Fun with bowel preps, and tips to save ass.

Being someone whose life pretty much revolves around toilets, turds, and everything related, my ability to filter my language and topics while communicating with an average person is sorely lacking.  I apologize, but on the inside I’m laughing.  My Dad is on his way into town, and boy oh boy, is he in for a real treat!  I’m about ready to start drinking drain-o for my procedures tomorrow, and the thought occurred to me, I’ve done this so often maybe I should write about some things I’ve learned along the way.

1) All preps I’ve used (Suprep, MoviPrep, NuLytely, Miralax/Gatorade, rinse, repeat) are virtually the same.  They all suck.  Suprep seemed to be a little less violent, but it was only a half-dose for a capsule study.  Miralax/gatorade seemed to the work the best aka my colon was squeaky clean, but the side effects were the worst (severe electrolyte imbalances).

2) For the love of god, go into prep day well hydrated.  Nothing sucks worse than being so dehydrated that your lips are cracking and you have sand pouring out of your mouth on the day of the procedure.  The nurse will also blow approximately 15 of your veins while trying to start your IV.  No bueno.  I over-hydrate myself for a few days leading up to prep day.  If my urine isn’t virtually colorless, and I’m not running to the toilet more than usual for the other hole, I keep at it.  Water is your best pal.

3) Some say refrigerate the mixed prep, some say don’t refrigerate.  There are pluses and minuses to both.  A refrigerated prep is generally more palatable, but it will give you major chills.  Long underwear, gloves, a hat, and a parka are definitely needed.  To avoid chattering teeth, the prep may be consumed at room temperature.  I prefer it this way.  I use a nice fat straw to drink the liquid down so it doesn’t even touch my tongue before I swallow it.

4) Candles.  I tend to get nauseated from the combo of the prep and the lovely smells that go along with it.  I find lighting scented candles in the bathroom and letting them burn for the duration helpful.  It’s also kinda like a trip to a fucked up spa.

5) Pick your TP wisely.  Use unscented wet wipes for sensitive skin.  Sometimes I skip the tp altogether, and just use a wipe.  When shit gets real, I have used preparation H wipes in lieu of both TP and normal butt wipes.

6) Lube up the chute.  This may seem kinda gross, but during my last prep, I loaded up the good old bum with vasoline as needed.  It was a tremendous improvement!

7) Reading material.  Have a book or magazine handy.  Even better, charge up the tablet so you can watch netflix and surf the net!  I have a tendency to run back and forth between real life and toilet land, but it’s much less stressful to just sit there for a while and let stuff happen.

To all of my fellow prep veterans; do you have a “favorite” prep, and any advice for bowel prep noobs?

2 thoughts on “Fun with bowel preps, and tips to save ass.

  1. I’m lucky. I’ve only done two. With two different doctors and two different protocols. The first sucked because he provided only the laxative and had me fast for two days. I was a mess when I got to hospital but they didn’t bother to start a drip. Nasty all round.

    The second (with my new lovely doctor) was one day fast (with white food only the day prior) and he gave me some heavy duty electrolyte replacement to take with the laxative. I danced into hospital. And I was sparkling clean inside. And wanted to kiss my doctor after (drugs).

    I agree with your tips. Petroleum jelly BEFORE the first squirt, lots of water and keep them coming. And if you are feeling dehydrated when you arrive at hospital demand that they start a drip early. If you don’t ask you don’t get.


  2. Pingback: Colonoscopy: America’s Least Favorite Pastime | Polishing Dookie

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