My personalized Crohnie terminology guide

Asshole-asshole:  A sadistic doctor who specializes in the diagnosis and “treatment” of gastrointestinal disorders.  The treatment part is sort of a joke.

Future poops/TARDIS turds:  Diarrhea so bad that things which haven’t been eaten yet mysteriously rocket out of your chute. It looks like I’ll be eating tacos next week. Sweet.


Death farts:  Ever wonder what happens to roadkill that suddenly disappears?  Sometimes they’re teleported into my bowels, and any air that passes by them takes on that fabulous scent.  Doing my part to keep nature clean, although it upsets the carrion birds terribly.


Lava shits: feel the burn!


Screamers: Lava shits also fit into this category, as do the ones which feel like you’ve got a bundle of razorblades passing through your guts.  Also, seeing blood or Pennywise in the tub. Am I the only one who was afraid to use the bathroom for months after reading Stephen King’s IT?


Pixies: The evil little bastards who think intestines are the perfect place for a mosh pit.


Gooey brain: The almost total loss of the brain through the anus.

i'm with stupid

Treatment purgatory: Your current flare impacts all areas of your life, but isn’t “bad” enough to justify treating with drugs that might actually help.  No soup for you!

Corticosteroids: The best and worst drugs everrrrrr.

Anti-diarrheals:  The only way you can ride in a car, or even leave the house.

Bag lady:  Having to carry a ridiculous number of personal care items such as butt wipes, deodorant, smell good spray, and extra undies. All because you never know what might happen.

The temple of Doom: The endoscopy suite.


The friend-to-poo tolerance meter:  A system I’ve developed to determine which friends can tolerate shit talk, and which ones can’t.


Extra-intestinal manifestations:  Crohn’s way of inviting your joints, skin, kidneys, liver, and nerves to the party.  Thanks, crohn’s!

Sheepish smile:  The face you wear whilst attempting to respectfully explain that IBD doesn’t really compare to the stomach bug the person had last month.


Fatigue:  The understated word used to describe feeling that simple tasks, such as doing the dishes, requires you to sell your soul to Donald Trump for an advance on energy to keep the fruit flies and ants from invading the kitchen.


Humor: The only way to handle adversity without completely losing your mind.

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