The “I-can’t-decide-what-to-write-about-so-i’ll-write-about-everything” post

I’m going to dump.  It takes a great deal of effort to keep my writing somewhat structured and on point, or even a tiny bit coherent.  It’s the complete opposite of the way I think, and even the way I speak, which has caused plenty of frustration.  Even more frustrating is every single thing I talk about, somehow comes back to my limitations, not always by my design.  I suppose that’s bound to happen since I’ve got “I’m fucked up” tattooed on my forehead.

Maybe it shouldn’t bother me that people are constantly asking me about my broken bits, and giving unsolicited advice. I’ve been sick long enough, that in their minds, a sick person is who I am.  It’s basically my career, and my (un)livelihood.  But even though they see me this way, show concern, and offer advice, I make them uncomfortable.  And despite 98% of what I write about here being health related, I don’t like to talk about it with my people who knew the superhero version of myself, pre-sickiesick, because it only adds to the awkwardness.  It’s like they’re afraid to say the wrong thing, or afraid that I’ll crumble and die at any moment. I’m sensitive, but I’m not fragile. If I break, it’s my fault, not theirs.

I haven’t seen my best friend in over a year. I sent her an email on her birthday in November, but have yet to hear back from her. The last time I spoke to her in person, she admitted to feeling like an ass around me because she never knows what to say. I’m still me. The distinct things that make me a Kara are still very much a part of me. I haven’t died. The situation has just changed. I told her she doesn’t need to say anything, I like spending time with her whatever the fuck we happen to be doing at the time. I guess she took ‘say nothing’ to heart, because that was the last time I heard from her. Maybe I said the wrong thing?After that, I started to put the brakes on conversation with friends if it landed on the topic of my health. It complicates things too much, and being the most socially awkward person on the planet, I can’t afford to repel the remaining people who miss my face.

Making plans is also a stupid process.  I’ve got this nifty internal risk vs. reward algorithm running 24/7.  I can’t do anything without giving it some thought first.  I mean, I can, but making sure the consequences are worth it usually comes into play.  Would I risk my ass for a trip to the Korean BBQ?  Probably not.  Would I risk my ass to be within spitting distance of the stage at a Puscifer concert?  Yes, I definitely would. I’m a person who gets off on spontaneity, so this whole nuclear meltdown mental checklist I have to run through is a drag.

I’ve practically been twisting manchild’s titties trying to get him to seek out fun with me. One day out on the town may put me out of commission for the next 3 days, but I can plan for that. I want to spend that precious energy on something that’s mutually beneficial. He’s handling his depression the only way he knows how; by spending money that he doesn’t have. We have more crap than I know what to do with (mostly because no money has been spent on furniture to house said crap), yet it’s going to be a miracle if the refrigerator and pantry don’t remain barren until his clothing allowance comes through, whenever the hell that is. Dietarily speaking, I could live off of protein powder and mayonnaise, since it fits my macros, but…uh…no.

Speaking of depressed husband, we had the kid conversation again. Sort of. I read the story of the ‘baby fight club’ – some evil slunt decided she’d coerce toddlers to fight one another while in her daycare classroom.  I read the headline and was very much amused, and said something like “at least babies are bouncy”, then owned the fact that I’m an awful person. Then shit. He wants kids, but for him it’s a fun until it’s not fun anymore, then hand off the responsibility to someone else (me).  I’ve babysat with him before.  Who’s the one to set limits with the germbags?  Not him. His entire adult life may be ruined by my apprehension to procreate. I have plenty of reasons to believe having kids is the worst fucking possible idea for me, but I’ll spare you the long list and give you one. His Mom. Never mind all of the other stuff. I see how she judges her own daughter who’s trying to raise two little clones.  I’m Beelzebub as far as she’s concerned.  I don’t know that I’d want children, regardless of the situation. I didn’t before, I don’t now. The only thing that makes me consider it is the possibility I’ll regret not doing it, although that’s much easier to deal with than realizing I hate parenting more than I hate centipedes, and that moronic fucker with the combover who’s pretending to run for president. That would be most tragic, and a guaranteed way to ensure that said child is fucked up.

centipede300

errrrrrmggggg ewwwwwwww!

grass_assassin-withbars

Meet the grass assassin, super creepy scifi bug of planet ragol.  Likes to hide in dark rooms.  Likes to go for long walks on the beach, and makes 18 year old girls piss themselves. Or was I 19?  Oh, hell.  Who cares.

He’s here, but it still gets lonely, since he’s rarely emotionally available (which may have something to do with me being unscrumpavailable – I withhold, so he does too. Who fucking knows. Depression is depressing). And there’s a lot more work to do because I’m constantly picking up after him so I don’t trip over his crap and break my other leg.

Last year sucked, but home life was completely STRESS FREE. Hey..does anyone want to babysit him for a little while? He’s good with cars. Buy the parts, and he’ll fix the problem in a weekend.

 

13 thoughts on “The “I-can’t-decide-what-to-write-about-so-i’ll-write-about-everything” post

  1. I can totally relate to friends disappearing when illness is mentioned. When I was first diagnosed, I was still working. I went to my former professional association’s annual meeting. I ran into a former mentor, who asked me how I was. Foolishly, I said, “to tell you the truth, I’ve been struggling with depression lately.” Sonofabitch if she didn’t simply turn on her heel and walk away. Not one word. I might as well have been Beelzebub, for all the compassion I got…from a…doctor? The same thing happened with the remaining personal friends I had. Being an Aspie, it’s hard for me to understand why most people aren’t interested in engaging in a truthful, direct, honest way, so I content myself with my dog, who is all of those things plus unconditional love. If you and/or your husband are kicking around the idea of having children, one way of exploring that is to rent one for a couple of months. You can become foster parents through your local Social Services agency. It’s a cool way to do it, because they provide you with all the stuff you need, plus money to feed and buy diapers and whatnot. You’d be doing a super good deed, and get to “try before you buy,” as it were. That’s my unsolicited advice of the day!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Is it too late to mention I very much enjoy some of the unsolicited advice? 😉

      Your post yesterday (Lost) added something to the discussion he and I had about kids (basically, I really wanted to comment on your post, but all that came out was one big brain-fart. F’n nicotine withdrawal. It was something like ‘no one is perfect, and anyone who expects otherwise out of someone else has lost touch with reality’/hugs/sorry).

      I used to be afraid to have kids because I know how difficult it was for me being raised by an everything-aholic, but I don’t often play the victim card for long. Maybe through half of my 20’s, but holding onto that as a way to make myself immune to accountability meant there wasn’t any room for personal growth. I failed to ‘grow up’, so I’m to blame for what started happening to me when I started making the decisions. That realization sort of eased some of the conflict about not having kids out of fear of “screwing them up”. All of that aside, I like kids (they’re wacky like me), but I don’t think I have a strong desire to be a parent. Ya know? My husband believes very strongly in those antiquated family ideals, which is the household he was raised in (also a reason it’s imfuckingpossible to get him to clean up after himself lol), so the offspring thing is a touchy subject for him. I wish I could just do wtfever to make him happy, but he’s rarely here, and I guess I’ve got just a tiny bit too much self-respect for that sort of behavior. Fostering though – that’s actually a good point! I’ve heard some nightmare stories, but it might be something to discuss.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yah, one of the great things about fostering is you can give them back! And your husband will have a chance to see what a great thing being up all night is, making trips to the ER with fevers or head bonks, and you will either get better because you have no choice, or get worse (goddess forbid) from the stress. Having a child means you no longer have the choice to hang out in bed if you feel lousy. They need fed, changed, talked to, played with, read to, walked the floor with…enormous amount of energy. And husband is never home, so all of this falls on you. It sounds to me like you wouldn’t do at all well with a pregnancy. For one thing, circulating fluid volume doubles during pregnancy, since you are processing the fluids for the fetus. That all has to be processed by your kidneys, and if you managed to survive, there’s a good chance your baby wouldn’t. You also need to have some stored energy (fat), which you don’t have. One good thing is that many people with Crohn’s go into remission during pregnancy. But with your other issues, I would worry about you. Even with a rent-a-kid.

        My two shekels😆

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I get it. When you’re really sick, nobody knows what to do. And when you’re living with chronic illness people only see you as “the sick girl”, not the “still you with something you have to deal with sometimes (or a lot)”.
    You’re still you, you’re just KaraPlus now. And the kid thing? If you didn’t want kids before you were sick, being sick doesn’t change that, right? I know plenty of people that chose not to have kids.

    Liked by 1 person

    • KaraPlus! I like it. My husband refers to me as Kara beta version, a little glitchy, but still a whole lot of fun. Haha.

      Your husband was AD, right? Did you find it difficult to meet people within the base community? We struggle because most people our age already have 2 or 3 kids, and we don’t have any, so there’s one thing that doesn’t make us any fun. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lol, glad you like it. Kara Beta….that works. Beta’s when they work out all the bugs.

        He was! 24 years in the Navy. It depended on where we were. I’m sure having kids helped some. But we also had plenty of friends that didn’t have kids, mostly because we we in the same neighborhood.
        But I never did the typical spouse thing either. I tried, but when I found I wanted to jump off the nearest bridge, I gave it up.

        Like

  3. Oh gurl I can relate to the brain dump so much!!…Happy to hear that someone else has the same problem or as I like to call it thoughts all over lol I am good at going from one subject to the next so I understand it being hard at times to write a blog I do as well find it hard for me at least…
    First off I hope that you are feeling good today and at least hanging in there that is what I do best lol..just a hangin lol… I really do not have any friends to speak of…My better half his friends come over and I know all there girls, wife, better half for the most part when I am able to get out of the house which is not very often at this point it is about once a month to hit Dallas for my doctors appointments but anyways the girls never come over with the guys to visit me fuck they do not even talk to me on fakebook the one female that has came over a few times with her husband is very rude and she believes that she is better than anyone and I have been to there home but when I show up her husband has the porch set up pretty nice and he is always sitting out when we show up and so as i am a smoker I sit out and smoke as he yells at his wife you know Suzette is here and wanting to talk but her response is I am watching TV or eating and for me I rather have her sit inside then be a total fucking bitch to me and my guy just so rude…
    She as many and even ALL the family do not believe that I am sick and that my better half is sick and dad not doing good either since he just had a triple bypass well they believe dad lol… we have printed pages and gave them a copy and dad has told them when family used to call look it up on the internet duh muther fuckers …but still no belief Oh we get you both are just depressed …here we go again muther fuckers YES we are depressed too like that is news wouldn’t you if one day all was ok then out of the blue you get injured and can not work any longer your life your dream of becoming what ever that maybe is shut the fuck down and that happened with my guy and me thank god not at the same time..So we no longer talk to my mom side of the fucked up family THANK GOD! and they just got the hint I HOPE!!. they as in that side refer to the mother as THE BOSS well honey you are not the boss of this family and never will be lol…and they hate that they have no clue how we live or anything going on..they just cause drama and hate and I or anyone does not need that in anyone life..we as in all of us you me anyone do not need extra shit! oh I could just go on about things of this nature but my dear I have said enough I don’t want to scare you away lol…but you do not seem the type to scare easy 😉
    So dad and my guy thinks the reason why most do not like me is because they think that I am a threat of some sort and that what you see is what you get for real!!… I do not sugar coat anything but love sugar 🙂 I am just honest I treat people like i would like to be treated and that is the truth..there has been many times that I could have gone off on these girls and should have but I stay kool and usually they do it where it would not be good timing or the place to..OK again shut the fuck up Suzette “yeah I talk to myself “lol
    The baby to have or not toooo…I have a daughter she is 25 she has a man they been together shit 5 years maybe? they have a baby 2 years old I think…sore subject since we had a falling out and the last time we seen them and the baby was over 2 years… we got to watch him for a week at one time when he was just lil…but that did not last.. None of us the three of us can not figure out what is going on..so I will just leave it like that until maybe something happens or I blog the whole story until the falling out since to this day we don’t understand and she will not talk to me….
    But yes kids are fun and loving and give you so much but they do take up most if not all your time so there goes the alone time with ur man..manchild I think you called him lol?? .. I love kids always have and really need to get my tubes tied just thinking out loud haha but it is not like we are having record breaking sex here since we are at my dad home for almost 6 years since he got hurt yeah my life fucking sucks hogg ballz…NO PRIVACY HERE…….H…E..L…P….. 🙂 But I do not know with how the world is going and how they the kids turn on you and you can not take them back lol or no instructions fuck that would be a tough subject …
    You could look into freezing those eggs that you have in the freezer?? just a thought…or like one above said the fostering where you do it for a length of time and they do help with alot… It maybe worth a looky look.. But some people have always known if they want kids or not and usually the ones that I have known do not change their minds but hell no rules .. I do not know …but you said your friends or people that live near you have kids why not ask them if you could watch a baby for the weekend get ones at different ages to get the full range but I would skip the teenage years altogether but hey that is me…
    Well again remind me to get tubes tied please soon…and did I see something about food BBQ? yeah I do not want to bore you so I shall let you go for now and I enjoyed your blog and I will continue to look around
    huggs to you my dear one…and hang in there … thank you for this blog sounds like you have a lot to think about… If you need anything I try to be here as much as I can…and my email is on here somewhere as well..
    Suzette

    Liked by 2 people

    • And the “most epic comment award” goes to……………………………………………………………………………………..Suzette! lol

      It sounds like you know some interesting, and interestingly rude people. Telling a person with chronic illness they aren’t really sick is pretty ignorant. I guess it can be difficult to fathom. It certainly is a difficult thing to accept on the sick person side.

      Yes, you’re right. I don’t scare easily. My mind can be a scary place at times :). Unless you’re a grass assassin. In which case, I’m fleeing the planet!

      The kid thing is so hypothetical, I don’t even know why I bother stressing over it. I know it bugs him, and I like to fix problems the same as him, but we’re both in a position where we’re trying to fix the unfixable. It’s just frustrating, and to him, depressing. We’ll figure it out. He’s a good one, even if he’s not the best at being a maid (apparently that’s my job).

      Liked by 2 people

      • YAY YAY Thank you, Thank you all please have a seat I was not expecting this so I will keep this short…I never dreamed that this day would come true but since it has I would like to thank…all of you..and you and you…

        Ok back to real life lol oh gurl do I ..and yes even the rude fuckers…that is one reason why I keep to myself I just do not have time for rudeness life in general is to damn short I have more important things to worry about rather they believe me or not ..but truth is it still hurts but hey it is life… and here is another one i am sure you heard ignorance is bliss so they say …
        AWWW good I got that right I didn’t think you scared easy either hell a scary mind is a sad thing to waste so use it up lol Oh I know my mind can get in dark places but I try to keep it in check but depression is real, real hard but main thing is my anxiety these days ohhh boy it will stop me in my track and I try some breathing and shit but not helping then my whole day is fucked up and nothing is done and even more overwhelmed lol…
        Oh I seen that grass assassin on your blog hell I would run too that grass ass ninja …
        Yeah it will work all out you all will figure the kid thing out and do not stress that just seems to make it harder on you and you do not need that sunshine even if it is hypothetical but i get ya …..hell you like to fix problems head on over we have so many were overwhelmed we could use some insight from others lol..not bad problems nothing like that lol..
        So happy to hear you have a good guy same here i am blessed now see mine is great at being a caretaker he cooks and cleans takes me to appointments you name it and works on cars lol or big trucks lol but when he gets down then we all are screwed but so far he has not been in active state of CVS so at this point he has been taking care of dad and I so sounds like we got a few of the good ones 🙂 I can rent him out to you or trade I do have some painting and plumbing work odds and ends things like that, that needs to be done that we can not fix lol….oh but I do not want to take your job away from you if you are the maid lol

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry you lost your best friend. Perhaps she is not lost, only in hiding? (Kinda like you?)

    I’m sure your husband is a good guy, but he’s obviously not thinking clearly. He works in the medical field, but doesn’t understand your medical conditions? Perhaps you should get some other opinions about what having a child would entail — that kind of stress on your already frail body — like from other patients and your doctors.

    Maybe your husband doesn’t understand that your conditions are chronic? I understand his depression and grief, but he’s not really the one who’s suffering. He’s just reacting to your suffering. Besides his depression, isn’t he healthy and relatively pain-free? Perhaps he doesn’t understand how lucky he is, especially to have such a great wife. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • She and I are both quite introverted, so it’s a miracle we became friends at all :).

      I really don’t think he has any idea how much changes when kids are in the picture. If something seems like a good idea to him, he’ll pursue it impulsively (probably the reason I’m married to him…I couldn’t outrun him, ha!). I think he knows I’d be a good mother, because I do have this insane need to take care of everyone and everything – I filtered that need to nurture into animal rescues – but that was when I was healthy. We both know it’s not plausible to even think about “trying” now, because of my health. I think there’s a lingering hope on his end that I will be well enough at some point, but I’m a little more realistic.

      I’m 100% okay with dogs instead of human children. I’ll love the snot out of some fluffy puddles of happiness. I keep telling him that. He’s not taking the freakin’ hint!

      But yes, he is a healthy person. Not a tissue match though, so I can’t steal a kidney. Can’t harvest the husband…what good is he? 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Our kids conversation started with “would you like some wine?”… can you see where that went?
    I’m still not a quinoa eating yummy mummy, but I pass for human in the parenting stakes.
    I don’t like that they now help to take care of me, but they are pretty awesome short people.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That is really cool that they help take care of you, really. My adult (?) son threw me out after inviting me for Thanksgiving, because I had a migraine and wasn’t all that much fun. So enjoy your short people, and I hope they keep their compassion muscles as they grow up 🚀

      Liked by 1 person

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