I’m no good at rating my pain. Maybe it’s because I’m not much of a number person. On a scale of 1 to 10, my pain is “this sucks” to “spontaneous combustion”.
So maybe kidney stones were the worst pain I’ve ever had, but it’s not the worst pain I can imagine, so does that mean it’s not a 10? Probably not. The scale is completely subjective, but I still compare my pain to another condition that might be worthy of a 10, so the worst pain I’ve ever experienced to that point was an 8, because I attempted to rate my pain through a lens of objectivity even as I was about ready to throat punch a doctor during a renal spasm.
Acute pain actually tends to rate rather low for me when compared to the chronic pain. My ankle did indeed hurt when I broke it, but I somehow thought broken bones were supposed to hurt more, which is why I sat around for 8 hours before deciding to call for help. When asked what my pain level was then, I told them it was a 4 to 5 (firmly within the ‘this sucks’ bracket), yet when they confirmed I had broken my ankle, they gave me lots of pain medication even though I found the pain to be tolerable when compared to my other nonsensical pain that often goes untreated. Gut pain can run the gamut of anywhere from a 3 to a 7. The neuropathic pain is a beast. Without pain medication, it was a constant 7, without pain medication and with sleep deprivation, it was a 9. It is the worst pain I’ve felt, but the damage is microscopic.
It seems to be improving a little during the winter months. While the pain is more tolerable, there are other symptoms that are either new or more noticeable since the pain is no longer all-consuming. Insomnia that was formerly caused by uncontrolled pain, is now caused by nothing, or that’s the way I see it. I’m sure my mental health could be called into question, although I don’t feel too terribly depressed or anxious. Just ragey and mean from being so tired. My IBD/IBS (who really know which hurts worse) pain is worse coinciding with a reduction in pain medication, even though the other symptoms are less severe thanks to the new drugs. Prior to the onset of ataxia and complete loss of sensation in my hands, legs, and feet, I had facial numbness. It was predominantly on the right side of my face and my tongue. The numbness was preceded by dysphagia (difficulty swallowing). My nerves are dicks. Not actual dicks, because that would be a little too weird.
I am indeed back at the beginning of this pattern. First nasal regurgitation due to dysphagia, and now facial numbness. Manchild calls it palsyface. I call him a fucktard. Since I’m a worst case scenario type of person, I can only assume that this actually means that my nerves are under assault again, despite the decrease in pain. Last year, all clues pointed to obscure nutrient deficiency. Now it may have something to do with accumulated waste in my blood, since my kidneys are no longer effectively filtering it out for me. But, ya know, I really don’t have a clue why my body does what it does. It’s like an overcaffeinated squirrel with ADHD. Neuropathy is the most difficult thing for me to deal with because it makes me much less self-sufficient. It all sucks, but nothing has had as much impact as becoming a neurological mess. I can’t drive, I can’t walk unless someone or something is nearby to steady myself when the ground starts to shift underneath my feet (it’s actually involuntary muscle movements), and I can’t even cut my own nails. It’s a bummer.
I hate being so reliant on my husband, and I know it sucks for him as well. I try to remain sensitive about this, but all he needs is another person saying “Oh, poor you. It must be awful having to take care of your wife life that.” His Mom has even gone as far as to tell me I should be joyful around him, no matter the situation, because I’m responsible for his depression. I hold back way more than any person should most of the time for his benefit, and that was before she said that. If I’m capable of adopting a shit happens attitude and rolling with it, and let’s be honest, I’ve got the shittier end of the deal being the person who’s ill, I fail to see his problem.
I’d like to take a vacation from myself. If anyone has figured out how to do this (without the assistance of hallucinogens), please enlighten me.