Chase my light away

I’m done coping, making the best of it, being a cautious optimist, and patting myself on the back for doing absolutely nothing.

I’m done with limits, extracting positives from the impossibly negative. I’m done with drugs. Drugs to make me feel anything but the truth.  Drugs that fix one problem while creating a dozen more.

I’m done pushing, fighting, pretending.

I’m done lying. It won’t be fine, I won’t be okay.  I’m dying faster than I’m living.

I’m angry. Angry at the world, angry at myself, angry at my anger.

I’m human. Vulnerable, fragile, affected. I want to lose control. To fall apart. To give up, give in, and check out.

But I can’t, and I don’t even know why.

12 thoughts on “Chase my light away

  1. Because you’re a Warrior. I hereby bestow upon you the Right and Privilege to copy and use the Warrior Child badge on my page. It’s better than an award, although you can still pass it on to people you feel have really earned it with blood, sweat, and tears, there’s no busy work to do. Just grit. And you don’t actually have to do anything. Just know I admire your courage.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. God, this hits way to close to home lately. I WANT to be positive, I WANT to believe everything is okay but just sometimes it’s not -sometimes it totally and utterly sucks. Worse than anybody knows. But we fight because it’s or nature. We’re stubborn… We’re difficult… We’re lots of things. But mostly, we’re all control freaks and the only ones who can destroy us are ourselves.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Well, I know you’re not allergic to ALL life, like chocolate and foot rubs. And although it appears you have no interest in Yahtzee or Scrabble, you don’t seem to be allergic to other games. 🙂 Also, I know you’re not allergic to music or comedy. So, which parts of life are making you sneeze? Is it your medical conditions again? Perhaps we’re just two sad, chronic painers, but at least you still have your looks. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

        • There used to be a program called Virtual Places chat. There were games, Yahtzee and battleships.. I assume there were others, but I only played those. VP turned paid subscription based, so I switched to online poker with a few of my VP exiles. One was a lady I had chatted with since the beginning of the internet. She died in her sleep of congestive heart failure some time in 2006. The news took a while to get back to me, and even after it did, I refused to delete her contact info from my email and messenger programs thinking it’d somehow preserve her.

          Point, mortality and suffering are the parts of life that make my eyes water and nose run. Death scares me, but barely living scares me more. Perhaps that’s why I like games so much. I get a clear sense that I’m winning at something. None of that being stuck in purgatory nonsense, because unlike games, there is no easy mode in life.

          Liked by 1 person

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