Lame is my game

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I’ve always been a dork.  Generally likeable, but never popular.  There were a few times in my life I had the new girl novelty, making people curious and interested in what I was all about.  I quickly set them straight by announcing my status as a loser, and then took my place among the outsiders.  I’m more comfortable there, with the weirdos and napkin eaters.  I’ve had plenty of opportunities to reinvent myself, but operating on the fringe of what’s socially acceptable works for me, so why change it?

When I moved away to college, I remember how odd it was – the mixing of the social groups.  The soccer players, the cheerleaders, and the potheads all trying to sneak into bars together.  It was a young person’s utopia, yet I felt less cool than the rest of them because of my beloved label of loser.

I still own that label.  I am uncool.  The opposite of Paul Newman or Tommy Chong.  I mean, the fact that I use those two individuals as my gauge of coolness probably says a lot.

I’ve got these two cousins on my Mom’s side.  Way cooler than me.  One grows her armpit hair out and lives on a hippie commune, and the other is a harpist with two young copies of herself who are martial arts practicing harpists.  I got hand-me-down clothes from my cousins when I was a kid, but I just wasn’t cool enough to wear them (or blame growing out instead of up between the ages of 8 and 11).  It was odd being asked by pithair’s 8 year old why I was so shy. I was in my 20’s at the time.  I just rarely had anything worthy of being added to conversations of that coolness caliber.

Today was harpist cousin’s birthday and I was contemplating if I should wish her a happy birthday on Faceplace, or continue pretending I don’t exist.  I decided to stink up her wall with my lameness, which got me thinking about why I’m so attached to this label of mine.

I went over a long checklist in my head, including many common measures of success, and yes, I’m still a loser.  I excel at being a loser.  It’s something of a paradox.

5 thoughts on “Lame is my game

  1. I’m sorry, but didn’t nerdiness become cool like decades ago? You know, circa Bill Gates. And what’s wrong with being shy?

    I’m cool, you’re cool, everybody’s cool. (Although I’m not sure about arm-pit girl.) As for being a loser, I guess that depends on your definition. I think George W. Bush is a loser, yet he was president.

    Who do I think is cool? Willie Nelson is the coolest of cool. Jennifer Lawrence is young and cool. The Minions are cool. And perhaps Bernie Sanders will redefine cool.

    Should I ask if you’re feeling better? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Eh, I suppose it has, but not when I was in high school. I have a higher opinion of most other people than I do of myself. I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. At least, not for them ;). Arrogant people though…yuck. They don’t get any love from me.

      I slept off and on all day, which was nice, so I think the gunk is finally beginning to clear. Thanks for asking 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Not like-ee. You can wear that label all you want, but it isn’t you. You can use it as a shield. I don’t believe it. If I told you what I really think of you, you wouldn’t believe it, or accept it.

    I’d kick your ass, but I know it’s sore, and there’s not enough meat on it anyway.

    So I’ll just say I love you and it pisses me off when you put yourself down like that.

    But I know that you’re being honest. Very honest, and that’s the key to unraveling the mess.

    Other people, me for instance, get very uncomfortable with unvarnished honesty. It’s painful. It makes us want to say, oh, no, that’s not really you! Like I just said.

    Your reality is your reality.

    The question is, is this what you want?

    Liked by 2 people

    • I used to see it as a negative thing, and I did use it as a crutch. I avoided talking to people out of the fear they’d validate all of the bad things I thought about myself. Things were a lot more black and white when I was younger and lacked the sort of perspective I have now.

      To certain people, I probably am a loser (I can always use my mother in-law as an example), and even I call myself that, but if I’m okay with who I am most days and it doesn’t impose needless limitations, then the label doesn’t hold much weight.

      It’s just interesting when things hit me. Like, why would I hesitate to wish my cousin a happy birthday? That’s just weird. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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