The progression from food fear to fried everything

I go on food jags.  When I find something that both tastes good, and doesn’t upset my guts, I become obsessed.  I eat it until I get burnt out, then move on to the next thing.  This is bad, yeah?  Variety is important.  I could blame this on the simple fact that I have a small collection of gastrointestinal diseases, but this habit has been with me my entire life.  Before kindergarten, the only thing I’d eat without a fight was carrots (props to you if you can guess my nickname) and sweet potatoes.  Orange foods.  I ate so many orange foods, my nose literally turned orange.  Then it was green foods (I didn’t turn green, but I fell in love with Oscar the Grouch).


When I decided to become vegetarian it was for ethical reasons.  I was mostly a junkatarian and didn’t really pay attention to the foods I was eating.  As I got older, I could tell my body wasn’t happy with me (enter IBD).  I started adding more variety to my plate, and eating fewer processed foods and eventually went full-on vegan.  The results were amazing.  I had so much energy, I didn’t know what to do with myself.  I started running and strength training.  It was the best I have ever felt in my life.


As IBD started to take hold, I fought my body until it wouldn’t take it anymore.  In case you didn’t know, when you don’t listen as your bits and pieces are screaming for mercy, it doesn’t end well.  It was last spring that I finally decided that being vegetarian was not a sustainable diet for me anymore.  It was one of the more difficult decisions I’ve had to make during this process of coping with chronic illness.  The psychological impact hit me the worst.  Much worse than the physical discomfort as I started to introduce animal proteins back into my diet.  In order to prevent food associated guilt, I had to disconnect from my food.  I had to put less thought into where it came from.

Less thought about my food choices, means I pretty much subsist on garbage.  I eat what I want, and don’t care if it isn’t healthy.  I really stink at finding balance.  Even if my diet is crap, I believe it’s better than the alternative; being afraid to eat.  Food fear was part of the reason I lost so much weight before and after my Crohn’s diagnosis, and now I’m so afraid of losing all of the weight I worked so hard to gain that I eat constantly when I’m not barfing, which only makes matters worse.  My eating habits are fucked up.  I admit it.  It took some time to accept it, but there you have it.  It also makes me wonder how many people with GI illnesses also have a coexisting eating disorder.  I’m sure it’s a lot higher than reported.


So, I’m in dietary limbo and I’ve eaten nothing but fried pickles and sweet potato fries for 3 days.  It’s better than nothing.  Way better.  Delicious!

9 thoughts on “The progression from food fear to fried everything

  1. I can relate to this so well. Looking back even before IBS and autoimmune disorders the food obsession with one or two things and now more than ever if I find something I ‘enjoy craving’ that doesn’t upset my body I go NUTS over it.Right now it’s rice cakes and peanut butter or pureed soup mixed with beef broth. Almost every day for weeks.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I like to think I crave certain foods for a reason, so I usually go with it. Especially when it comes to salt! And hey, at least you eat your peanut butter like a civilized human; as a condiment. I take a spoon and the jar into my cave and shovel it into my mouth like a rabid beast.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Your post reminded me of this:

    “When I was homeless I overate every chance I could because I didn’t know when I’d eat again. Now I’m addicted to overeating.”

    I use food as a tool to manage my pain, so I have a different relationship with it. If a certain food doesn’t taste good enough to be chew-worthy, healthy or not, it’s not part of my diet. In other words, it’s about quality, not quantity. (Although quantity can be important, too, especially when I’m hungry.)

    I used to try and think of food as fuel, like gas in a car, and not eat too much when I wasn’t being active. But… that didn’t really work. Now I think that taste and enjoyment are the most important parts of food and eating. So, if I had digestive problems, I would be looking for the types of food that bring me the most taste and enjoyment.

    Of course, YOU want to be healthy, and I don’t really care about that. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • If there wasn’t such an obvious link to what I eat versus how much toilet paper I go through in a week, I wouldn’t give it a second thought. I did just fine on twinkies and spaghetti-o’s for years ;). Taste and enjoyment is important to me as well, otherwise it just isn’t worth the grief.

      Knowing too much about nutrition is like having a disapproving monkey on my back every time I eat. At least it doesn’t fling poo. It just tsks and says ‘ugh, I can’t believe you ate that’

      Speaking of things that’ll upset the monkey, I have the ingredients to make those cream cheese brownies. I’m going to take the plunge this weekend, and we can compare food photos. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      • Anyone who derives enjoyment from Spaghetti-Os and Twinkies is afraid of growing up. (Something to think about.) 🙂

        I added vanilla to that recipe, along with substituting a tablespoon (or two) of butter with olive oil. I can’t wait to see your photos. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m the same babe.
    Stomach issues began years ago and they put it down to IBS and Grade Two Reflux Burns so I went super healthy, vegetables and plain foods… i cut out sweets and felt incredible. Years later I was retested and my reflux burns had healed! They told me it was rare… But it was because I had been eating so healthy (I have to remember to blog about this).
    Point is, then I got sick with GP and I lost so much weight that I stopped eating altogether. Now that my appetite is semi-back I eat anything and everything I can without thought! Cravings galore! 😦 i eat and eat until the pain kicks in.
    My stomach is currently giving me hell from this viral infection so no food for me currently. I hope yours is holding up better than mine! xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Food certainly does make a difference, but when you’re feeling like a complete pile of doodie, cooking can get very difficult – nevermind going to the store for food.

      I too have noticed that my stomach is acting up after the flu, along with everything else. I’m noticing what I choose to eat has very little protein, so maybe that’s why I’ve gravitated toward starches. Much easier to digest? It’s a theory anyhow…and an excuse to eat more fries 😉

      I really hope you start to feel a little better :(. Viruses are crap.

      Liked by 1 person

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