We can’t stop here

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I can’t stop it.  My brain is on fire.  I’m thinking in big swirly circles.  Big enough circles that I sort of trick myself into thinking it’s linear thought, and I’m just moving on to the next problem.  What’s actually happening: I’m lost in the woods, spend three days walking, only to realize I’ve stepped in a pile of my own shit.  Yup, been here.  Shat on that.  Repeat it over and over and over again for all of eternity.  Everything is cyclical, circular, round.  The seasons, life/death, toilet paper.

This reminds me the movie Pi.  A dark, gritty, and cerebral mind-fuck of a movie.  A guy who loves his software and hardware (computer software and hardware, you sicko ;)) finds a spiral pattern in EVERYTHING.  He becomes obsessed, and eventually drills a hole in his head to make it stop.  There’s more to it than that, but the point is that my brain would have me believe that everything I think or do is 100% pointless because I end up right back where I started.  My circle, to his spiral.

While I’m on the topic of cycles, my sleep is fucked.  I keep saying this.  It’s 2:42am, and it’s like I have toothpicks keeping my eyelids apart, and my mind is completely flooded with a whole lot of static – or feelings on the verge of becoming coherent thought bubbles, but not quite getting there.  Brainstipation.  It’s an odd sort of anxiety.  The anxiety I’m used to is a result of overthinking and worrying about stuff I’m cognizant of, like my health, people killing other people because the world is full of evil, or where the dryer sends my socks that come out of the wash without a mate.  What will people think when they see I’m wearing mismatched socks?  That’s your typical, run of the mill, generalized anxiety.  It has a trigger.  I’ve NEVER not been able to trace a panic attack back to a single tiny thought.

This anxiety feels like impending doom.  Something bad will happen, and I can’t for the life of me figure out what the fuck it’s all about.  It just starts for no reason.  I was juuust starting to fall asleep last night, or I should say yesterday morning, and I got the feeling that something was terribly, awfully wrong.  The first step to fixing it is to identify the problem, but I can’t find a problem.  At least, not one that makes sleep seem completely unnecessary.  I’m not tired.  At all.  Physically, my body is “fuck you very much”, but my head is like “let’s read Wikipedia in its entirety, Johhny 5!”

I took a US citizenship test online.  Good news, I get to stay!  If I failed it, I was going to have myself deported to the moon.  I still want to do that, but I’ll have to find a different reason.  Anyhow, this is my cry for help.  Whasamatta with meeeeeee?!  I don’t know if I’m losin’ it, or if it’s already lost and this is my free gift with purchase.  I feel so weird, even for me.  I’m going to take a couple Trazodone to see if I can’t pull the toothpicks away from my eyes.  There’s a drug for everything.  Even owl face.

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7 thoughts on “We can’t stop here

  1. From the outside looking in, what you describe sounds like a manic episode in bipolar disorder. I’ve never really had that kind of energy, but I have to say, I’m rather jealous of it. Seems to me it’s like taking cocaine — you feel like you can conquer the world. (I’ve never taken cocaine, so I’m just guessing.)

    But then it appears that it’s all about your anxiety levels, high enough to maybe cause the same kind of effect?

    I’m part Irish. We worry a lot. Even when there’s nothing to worry about. (Does that ever happen?) I would think that distracting yourself from anxiety is the same as trying to distract yourself from pain, so maybe try distraction therapies. I’ve found that different breathing exercises help my insomnia, so maybe try some oxygen therapy, too. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think the anxiety is a byproduct of the initial feeling that the 6th extinction is about to finish me off. It’s completely atypical for me, but of course my reaction doesn’t do me any favors. Always asking “why?”

      It really does seem like mania, at least what I know about it. My husband’s best friend has bipolar, and he likens my moods to his, although I’ve been extensively evaluated by the brain pickers recently, and they seem to think I’m just fine (the other doctors don’t think so).

      Sooo, for now, I’ll breathe and stay away from power tools. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. What Sheldon said. Reading this put me right there in that space. I got worried with your previous post but was too sick with food poisoning to reply. I think a visit to a good shrink-o-matic might provide more long-term relief. Trazodone is good stuff, I took it for years, but it can unmask mania, as can any of the antidepressants. Sending feel-better thoughts and hugs❤❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Laura. ❤

      It probably wouldn't hurt to see someone on the "outside" of the MHS. The caveat being, when 'they' see I've been going to a psychiatrist or therapist, there's a pattern of them ignoring overlap symptoms and blaming them all on depression/anxiety. Ah, I love being a woman :/

      Like

      • Well….when I go to see a new doc of any kind, like I did today, I simply check “no” on the “do you have any psychological symptoms” box.

        Of course if I’m going to see a new shrink, I tell them my bothersome symptoms. Otherwise, I compartmentalize. My life runs on the “need to know” system. If it’s something they need to know, I tell them. Otherwise, it’s irrelevant. If I get admitted for surgery or something, that’s a “need to know” situation. Office visit for sprained wrist? Nope. If I put that I’m bipolar on the chart, they immediately assume I’m a drug seeker and all I get is lectures about that, even though I don’t take pain medicine except postop. Today I went to an ortho acute care and had enough of a hard time getting the asshole doctor to pay attention to my concerns. Imagine if he knew I’m bipolar! Forget it. So that’s my strategy. Fueled by stigma. I don’t think it will ever go away. So I have my shrink for shrink stuff, and nobody else needs to know.

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