I can’t stop it. My brain is on fire. I’m thinking in big swirly circles. Big enough circles that I sort of trick myself into thinking it’s linear thought, and I’m just moving on to the next problem. What’s actually happening: I’m lost in the woods, spend three days walking, only to realize I’ve stepped in a pile of my own shit. Yup, been here. Shat on that. Repeat it over and over and over again for all of eternity. Everything is cyclical, circular, round. The seasons, life/death, toilet paper.
This reminds me the movie Pi. A dark, gritty, and cerebral mind-fuck of a movie. A guy who loves his software and hardware (computer software and hardware, you sicko ;)) finds a spiral pattern in EVERYTHING. He becomes obsessed, and eventually drills a hole in his head to make it stop. There’s more to it than that, but the point is that my brain would have me believe that everything I think or do is 100% pointless because I end up right back where I started. My circle, to his spiral.
While I’m on the topic of cycles, my sleep is fucked. I keep saying this. It’s 2:42am, and it’s like I have toothpicks keeping my eyelids apart, and my mind is completely flooded with a whole lot of static – or feelings on the verge of becoming coherent thought bubbles, but not quite getting there. Brainstipation. It’s an odd sort of anxiety. The anxiety I’m used to is a result of overthinking and worrying about stuff I’m cognizant of, like my health, people killing other people because the world is full of evil, or where the dryer sends my socks that come out of the wash without a mate. What will people think when they see I’m wearing mismatched socks? That’s your typical, run of the mill, generalized anxiety. It has a trigger. I’ve NEVER not been able to trace a panic attack back to a single tiny thought.
This anxiety feels like impending doom. Something bad will happen, and I can’t for the life of me figure out what the fuck it’s all about. It just starts for no reason. I was juuust starting to fall asleep last night, or I should say yesterday morning, and I got the feeling that something was terribly, awfully wrong. The first step to fixing it is to identify the problem, but I can’t find a problem. At least, not one that makes sleep seem completely unnecessary. I’m not tired. At all. Physically, my body is “fuck you very much”, but my head is like “let’s read Wikipedia in its entirety, Johhny 5!”
I took a US citizenship test online. Good news, I get to stay! If I failed it, I was going to have myself deported to the moon. I still want to do that, but I’ll have to find a different reason. Anyhow, this is my cry for help. Whasamatta with meeeeeee?! I don’t know if I’m losin’ it, or if it’s already lost and this is my free gift with purchase. I feel so weird, even for me. I’m going to take a couple Trazodone to see if I can’t pull the toothpicks away from my eyes. There’s a drug for everything. Even owl face.