Left Behind


It’s another lovely day in the Mid-Atlantic region, although a bit windy.  Manchild’s sister, brother in-law, and their kids are in the area for a conference.  He took a vacation day and this met up with his sister and the kiddos this morning on the other side of the Potomac to do a little site-seeing.

Before the trip, they were on the phone discussing details and I think she may have asked what sort of activity modifications I’d need (i.e. should they avoid lots of walking, or am I unable to eat certain food, etc.).  He quickly replied, “It’s just going to be me.”

I was a little offended, even though I had no real desire to join them given how crappy I’ve felt for the past month.  Having the option to decide whether or not I wanted to go would have been nice.  Had I gone, I would have slowed them down a lot seeing as I’m still wearing a very awkward and uncomfortable fracture boot.  Meeting them so early in the day would have been impossible too because I’m usually chained to the toilet from about 3am until 10 or 11, and then there’s the issue of POTS requiring me to sit the fuck down frequently so I don’t pass out, puke, or explode.  He knows all of the nuances of my conditions, which is why he made the decision for me.

I don’t know if it’s that he doesn’t want to deal with having to accommodate my slow pace and constant need of a restroom, or if he’s tired of asking and then hearing me say “no”.  I haven’t seen my niece in three years, and I haven’t even met my nephew yet.  He turns two in March.  It’s sort of sad, and what’s even more sad is my indifference.  Manchild’s mom likes to make him feel guilty about not being there to see the kiddos more often, but he doesn’t seem to care either.  They’ll be moving to Colorado soon, and shortly after, his sister will pop out niece or nephew #3.  We won’t be there for that, and he probably won’t be introduced to his new family member before he/she is at least two. Me?  Even longer.

It’s just another thing that makes me feel like I’m an afterthought, or second rate citizen.  It hurts, but not as much as participating and feeling like a burden, or guilty that I’m preventing other people from enjoying themselves.  It would be nice if he’d agree to go places with me, so we can enjoy time outside of the house, but it seems I’m just not worth the effort.


19 thoughts on “Left Behind

  1. I’m so sorry. That sucked, sucks, and will continue to suck. As you already know, I have no sense of propriety, so I am going to just go ahead and ask: have you two had a direct and fruitful conversation about this issue of your getting left behind because of your special needs? Would they leave fucking Stephen Hawking behind, because he needs to lug that pain in the ass ventilator all the time? I mean, this hits me where I live. I was the one, when they chose up sides for games, I got left standing there. “Red Rover, Red Rover…” I always stood there, burning in my own private hell.

    I’m serious, have you thought maybe of going to counseling around the challenges of being differently abled?

    Liked by 2 people

    • We went to about 6 months of couples counseling, and afterward we were able to have more meaningful and direct conversations without anyone getting butthurt, but then he left for a year and now I have to tiptoe around issues to keep him from shutting down completely.

      I know he’s having issues with my issues, and it’s a partial cause of his mood (I don’t take full responsibility). I’m trying to be patient with him because he put up with way more than he should have when I went nucking futs a couple years after we got married and that lasted entirely too long, but he also had the option of coming and going as he pleased. If he felt the need to go for a drive, or go shoot some propane tanks out in the middle of nowhere, he could.

      I don’t have that option anymore, so I’m limited to a one block radius of the house, because that’s about as far as I can make it.

      Maybe I’m coddling him too much. The last we discussed it, I told him I know he’s depressed and feels like shit, but I’m more than willing to work out the logistics of my issues whenever he’s ready to explore the area with me. I left it at that. I also periodically ask him if he wants to go do things that catch my interest and I think he might enjoy as well. He said no to driving a Ferrari around an autocross course! What the heck! He loves that shit. That left me without much hope 😉

      Anyhow, counseling for me is a very good idea, and one I’ve thought of often. I hesitate only for the same reason I hesitate to see a psychiatrist. My insurance rarely covers anything outside of military treatment facilities, where all providers (even mental health) are required to keep detailed records on file, and those notes can be accessed by any of my doctors. I’d say a lot of my rage talk is about them, and I can see it affecting my care. Plus, there’s a lot of stuff no one else needs to know. I don’t want it floating out there exposed in the electronic ether unless it’s something I want to be seen. We don’t have the money for me to be seen where my insurance isn’t accepted (I already burned up all of my freebies to get that shitty cymbalta), and if I don’t feel like I can talk about certain things at counseling, I don’t really see much point.

      Liked by 1 person

      • They don’t keep psych records confidential? That sucks big time. When I was working, I’d often drive to another city, pay for everything out of pocket just do it wouldn’t get on my insurance records. That was when I was making six figures…then I became a horse and buggy doctor and could barely pay my staff, let alone psycho fees, and that’s when I started to really lose it. I regret not doing whatever I needed to do, in order to keep working. Now I’m just too sick, but maybe I could have squeezed another couple years out of it. Sigh. What happens, happens, and I don’t know if there’s a reason for it or not. Doesn’t matter, for me.

        How about online support group type of thing, for you?

        Liked by 1 person

        • I asked last year when I had a few sessions with a psych liaison, and she said the records are confidential in that they won’t just share the information with just anyone, but just like medical records all of my doctors would be able to see them in my EHR. I suspect this is why a lot of soldiers don’t seek the help they need. That, and they don’t have nearly enough mental health providers for the ones who do go.

          When we were getting ready to move, my old health clinic contacted my social worker asking for her session notes because depression was listed in my EFMP file. It’s a program for active duty dependents who have health conditions that require special care and makes sure the service member is only stationed at places that can meet their medical needs. Great idea, fucking awful execution. She was completely appalled. She wrote them a letter stating the type of therapy used, what some of the general personality issues we worked on were, and that I had improved greatly. She said it was illegal for her to provide any information beyond that, but the government plays by a different set of rules.

          I suppose this sort of is my online support group. I contacted a service through mil onesource that offers free chat/telephone counseling, got set up with that, and didn’t make it past the screening questions. Since I have a history of mental illness, and have been on medications to treat them, I wasn’t allowed to use the service. WTF? A lot of good that did.

          Liked by 1 person

            • I can request something specific from my primary doctor, and he’ll write a one time script then tell me to see mental health for follow-up. At least, that’s how it has gone in the past. Then I run out, don’t go see mental health, and either complete lose it like happened in Alaska, or get along just fine like I’ve been up until recently.

              I’ll probably have to start skimming funds to set aside to be seen. This doesn’t feel like depression, or anxiety as I’ve known it, yet I don’t think it’s physical either, so it’s prudent to start from scratch on the psychiatric side of things. If I’m cleared, then I’ll know it’s probably a medication side effect. Although, psychiatrists can address those issues too, right?

              Liked by 1 person

  2. Seems like there’s a solution for every problem you’ve mentioned, including scoping out and finding places to use the restroom. All it takes is a little planning.

    As much as I dislike all of the preparations I have to suffer through before I go outside and face the public, it’s nice to venture past the walls of my apartment. So, don’t let your husband keep you from going outside. Plan your own day outside, even if it’s sitting in a park and looking at the trees. Dude, spring is a great season to get out and about…

    It must be really hard to depend on someone else for transportation. If I lived in your city, I would come pick you up… I’m just hoping you have another alternative, although right now, I can’t think of one…

    If I was one of your husband’s relatives, I would’ve at least planned on stopping by to say Hi to you, so their disinterest isn’t your problem, it’s theirs. Disinterest is contagious, but you don’t have to be like them. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’d be way more cranky if we didn’t have a nice yard to lounge in.

      I still have the phone number of a woman who talked to me while I was in the hospital in April. She runs a support group in the clinic my husband works in, and lives about 10 minutes away. She offered to help me out with groceries, transportation, or whatever I needed. It was super nice of her, but it’s a little weird to think about calling her since I don’t really know her, she doesn’t know me, and almost a year has passed. I doubt she remembers me at this point.

      There are options, but it sure would be nice if my husband would stop being a stinkbug so I don’t have to ask strangers to drive me places. That’s about as easy as telling me to stop being sick.

      Liked by 1 person

      • The worst that could happen is this woman would say “no,” which, when you think about it, is not that big of a deal. Just make the request open-ended, like, “if you’re able to help, just let me know.”

        I’m not good at marriage advice, but maybe ya’ll could pick a day of the week that would be designated as yours, to do whatever you want. And then he can have his day of the week, too, just to be fair. Of course, it’s like every day of the week is his, anyway…

        Liked by 1 person

        • She was so friendly, I can’t imagine she’d say no, and that’s probably why I haven’t called. She’s married too, so she might enjoy the time away. A mutually beneficial relationship. I just have to get over my aversion to asking for assistance.

          I do think it’s time to reimplement date night. Or just get ready to go, and say “okay, let’s go!”, which makes it more difficult for him to shoot me down. If we’re both still in pajamas it makes it so much easier to do nothing.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s disappointing he didn’t ask you…please don’t feel sad. Maybe it’s like you said, he assumed you weren’t up to it. I feel a bit imprisoned in my home due to my poor health, it’s nice to get out and see something else but the same four walls isn’t it? Hugs 🐻

    Liked by 2 people

  4. 😞, really feel for you. I hate people making decisions for me, even if they think they are doing the right thing. Though I can see it from the other side, I hate being diplomatic lol, sometimes wish I could see just the one side of things.
    I really hope you get to see your niece and nephew at some point soon.
    And hope you get the chance to escape the four walls soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, seeing it from the perspective of others is often why I’m inclined to say no. I selectively exclude myself from certain activities, but if it’s something less demanding like a social gathering, I’m all over it.

      I’m sure they appreciated being able to go about their day without excessive interruption, even if I was missed. I’d rather have it that way than be resented for being so ‘needy’.

      This chronic disease thing is so tough on everyone. I wish there was an instruction manual for it…like the Handbook For The Recently Deceased. Handbook for the chronically diseased 😉

      Liked by 2 people

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