If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s making sure the office chair doesn’t float away. Other than that, and very basic household tasks, I don’t contribute much. I feel quite guilty about being unemployed. I am grateful we’re in a position that allows me not to work, given what’s going on with the medical crap, but it still feels wrong. I also don’t like spending money because I’m not earning any.
I want to contribute financially, but I’m not sure how. I’ve already eBay’d most of my belongings that were of any value. I’m not even sure I qualify for social security disability to help with my expenses because half of my work history was ‘off the books’. The caveat of untaxed income. So what about trying to get a job? Where could I work? Who would be willing to hire someone as flaky as yours truly? I had a discussion with Cass, as she’s being forced back to work even though she’s very ill. I feel for her, and was trying to think what I’d do if I were in her shoes to sort of brainstorm and give her some ideas that might translate to her situation. It got me thinking – why in the hell am I not working if I can come up with ways to facilitate it?
I would need a wheelchair, because I still can’t stand or walk for more than about 15 minutes at a time due to the tachy and since the weather warmed up my balance is way the hell off. Manchild has had to catch me several times this week as I started to totter over, and of course there were the times he wasn’t there to catch me. If I don’t at least have something to lean against, I’m in big trouble, so even a rollator would be fine.
I would need drugs. I have those. LOTS of those. Specifically, drugs for nausea and pain. The pain gets worse with activity, so I imagine that would take precedence. I would need to get a higher dose approved, or try something different.
Then there’s good old Crohn’s. Obviously I’d need to be within shitting distance of a restroom, spare clothing just in case, a stock pile of imodium, and go back on the keto diet to help make things a bit more predictable.
So far, it doesn’t sound too bad, right? Maybe even doable.
Transportation will be a huge problem since I can’t drive, so ideally I could get a job nearby and get an early shift, or work afternoons and manchild can drive me to work on his lunch break, then he can pick me up after he gets off work. Or find out if there’s a way that the car can be modified so I can drive it, but that would be cost prohibitive, and uh, seizures? I can’t say for certain that it won’t happen again, and it’d be unfortunate if it were to happen while driving.
Sure, most of the time I feel like I’ve been hit by a C-5, and then others I feel like I’m on the verge of death, but I could suffer through it like so many others do. And I could donate money to friends in need without feeling like I’ve robbed a bank.
There are other sticking points, like no matter how hard I try to control my diseases, they’re still very unpredictable. And again, who would even hire someone with so many needs/restrictions? And if I’m able to work, then why haven’t I cleaned house since December (holy shit…has it really been that long!?)?
If I had to work, I could find a way. Which makes me wonder if I should be working. Am I doing enough? I don’t think so. Am I pushing myself hard enough? My body tells me yes, my brain tells me no. I know what happens when I overdo it, and I have yet to find the line between pushing myself and overdoing it until I’ve crossed over and it’s too late. The fact that it’s not a straight line makes it all the more difficult. The idea the collective has imposed upon me is that my health is my job. Man, why haven’t I been fired yet?