The road from self-loathing to self-acceptance is long and full of gigantic holes. I’m not to my destination yet. I’ve made too many pit stops, and have even gotten lost and backtracked. Many factors can lead to me flipping off my reflection in the mirror. Pms, a bad doctor’s visit, something someone said to me, the way I act or react, dropping and shattering a bowl of noodles in the dining room, and pretty much any negative event that happens in my presence.
Good brain allows me a brief tantrum, and then it stops there. Good brain has a good attitude, and highlights my attributes. Good brain is cool. I like good brain. We’re pals.
Bad brain relives a bad event, no matter how small, over and over again and loves to see me squirm. Bad brain strips all of my worth, happiness, and motivation. Bad brain wants to destroy me. Bad brain is a dick.
Why is it infinitely easier to hate oneself than it is to love oneself?
I’m finding it more and more difficult to be “okay”, which gives bad brain a window of opportunity to sink her claws in. I can’t stand being in my head, in my body. I want out. I want shitty me to go away, and take with her everything I hate about myself.
I want a break from self-mediation. I don’t want to lie to myself anymore. I want to face reality and fucking deal with it without falling apart and hoping to self-destruct. I don’t want being myself to be such an internal struggle.
I want to check-out for a minute, a day, a month. I just can’t.