Good Brain, Bad Brain

The road from self-loathing to self-acceptance is long and full of gigantic holes.  I’m not to my destination yet.  I’ve made too many pit stops, and have even gotten lost and backtracked.  Many factors can lead to me flipping off my reflection in the mirror.  Pms, a bad doctor’s visit, something someone said to me, the way I act or react, dropping and shattering a bowl of noodles in the dining room, and pretty much any negative event that happens in my presence.

Good brain allows me a brief tantrum, and then it stops there.  Good brain has a good attitude, and highlights my attributes.  Good brain is cool.  I like good brain.  We’re pals.

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Bad brain relives a bad event, no matter how small, over and over again and loves to see me squirm.  Bad brain strips all of my worth, happiness, and motivation.  Bad brain wants to destroy me.  Bad brain is a dick.

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Why is it infinitely easier to hate oneself than it is to love oneself?

I’m finding it more and more difficult to be “okay”, which gives bad brain a window of opportunity to sink her claws in.  I can’t stand being in my head, in my body.  I want out.  I want shitty me to go away, and take with her everything I hate about myself.

I want a break from self-mediation.  I don’t want to lie to myself anymore.  I want to face reality and fucking deal with it without falling apart and hoping to self-destruct.  I don’t want being myself to be such an internal struggle.

I want to check-out for a minute, a day, a month.  I just can’t.

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10 thoughts on “Good Brain, Bad Brain

    • Our mental health suffers just as much when our bodies are falling apart. I was encouraged to hook up with someone at behavioral health for counseling, but you know what happens? They shift their opinions, and stop paying attention to the physical findings and the fact that there’s something very wrong with my health, and instead focus on all of the symptoms being caused by depression or anxiety. If they see I have recent mental health notes in my record, how I’m treated goes back to the stone ages of medicine. It’s so unfair. People with chronic illness absolutely NEED emotional support, but our health shouldn’t suffer as a result of getting that support.

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  1. It’s so frustrating even when ‘good brain’ is at work knowing that at some point the other shoe is going to drop and the little shred of positivity will disappear. It makes it incredibly difficult to be an optimist. I hope you are able to put ‘bad brain’ back in her place out of mind out of site and find some inner peace. xoxo

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  2. This is such a great explanation of my experience with good brain/bad brain. You put it into words so well. My heart goes out to you. I am on the journey as well, flipping back and forth constantly.
    -Kelly

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think most people deal with something similar to an extent, although most don’t talk about it, so I can only assume. When you throw in extraordinary situations/circumstances it becomes much more intense.

      Thanks for your comment, Kelly. It’s always nice to meet another person who “gets it”. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. My Good brain and Bad brain sometimes gets together and jump me, when that happens, I don’t know who to beat up except myself. It’s easy to hate oneself because we only focus on the negative things about ourselves. You know what they say, A thousand good deeds but that bad one is the only one you’ll be noticed for, sucks ass but it’s true. Sometimes being ourselves is a chore, but there are some who has been pretending to be someone else for so long that they actually forgot who they were. It’s better to know ourselves than to be lost among others.

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