Hitting the wall

I cancelled my ortho appointment this morning because I was feeling entirely too shitty.  Too sick to go to a doctor?  There’s a little irony for you.  I suppose the whole truth is that I would have gone, had I felt it would be beneficial in some way.  I don’t see much point in going to follow-up appointments.  I go because I’m expected to, and sometimes I skip it.

I was motivated early on because I wanted to know what the fuck was wrong with me, and hoped it could be fixed.  I was a naive young padawan.  When I learned that’s not how it works, I got angry.  Misdirected anger motivated me for a while.  After hearing “I don’t know what else I can do for you” from one too many doctors, I transitioned to depression, then apathy.

My attitude stinks.  It looks like depression (and probably is to some extent, denial is cool), but I see it as being realistic.  If I’m supposed to have a follow-up appointment once a month for no good reason, make it with one doctor, not 14.  I can’t seem to make myself do much of anything.  It also seems like I’ve given up and just want to be left alone.  I go because manchild wants me to go.  When he wasn’t here, I went because my parents harassed me about it.  Rarely has it been of my own initiative.

I wonder what it’ll take for me to give a shit?  Eh, I just don’t care.


21 thoughts on “Hitting the wall

  1. I hope you get some relief of some kind soon hun…
    I to can relate to being to sick to go to the fuckin Dr and have often canceled and most of my Dr’s are in Dallas and that is about 120 miles round trip I try to make my appointments in late afternoon since it takes me a long time to even get moving. I also did not make it to my follow up appointment after having bronchitis last month and still really tired and coughing up shitt.. I keep telling myself if I keep feeling this way I will then make it to my Dr but again I put it off to tired..
    I know if I want to feel better or figure out what more is going on with me that I will make it to my Dr since we all want answers and I hope that you make another appointment and hell even go in your PJ’S if needed I have lol they know when I am sick lol…Just please go and take care of yourself please
    Hang in there hun and hope all works out for you

    Liked by 3 people

    • I think the worst of it is my mood, because physically I’ve felt worse than I currently do and still managed to stick to the scheduled stuff. So now I’m kicking my own ass over that. Just can’t win when I fight myself 😉

      Liked by 2 people

      • One of the biggest battles with anything in life is with ourselves. I can relate, “the appointment will be the same old crap” or “I’m done with all of this” . it’s like we convince ourselves about these things, & then spend more energy trying to rectify our thoughts lol. You will get there 💪👍

        Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Steff 🙂
      14 at last count, but only 5 of them want to see me regularly so it isn’t really that bad. I’m just tired of it. I remember working 6 day weeks and not feeling nearly as drained on my off day as what it takes to make it through a single appt. I don’t know what’s up with that.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I get exhausted too by just leaving the house. 😦 Fiance still can’t understand it. Although I’m sort of used to it now (8 years), it still gets me down on occasion. My mind is still lively, excited to go but my poor body isn’t well. I think I’m lucky to be able to escape in my imagination, where the fictional Oscar Dandelion is. 🙂
        Is there anything, you love doing Kara? 🙂
        🐻 🍓 🐾 🐕

        Liked by 1 person

        • My two big loves were painting and running, but both are sort of out for now. I enjoy gaming, reading, and puppy time. So, when your book comes out in print, I’m buying it! *hint* I’m reading the Fairyland series. It’s so much fun. I love the fantasy genre. 🙂

          My immune system does need a lot of help. I’m currently on 3 different meds that reduce my immune capacity, so I’ll probably keep getting every single bug that goes around. One of my docs recommended the autoimmune diet, but I was very much set in my vegetarian ways then.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Did you ever read the Flower Fairies as a child? I received a box set of the books one Christmas and I still adore them – I also have a book on embroidering them. 😉 I like the fantasy genre too… Do you know Legend with Tom Cruise and unicorns? I will have to look up the Fairyland series. 🙂

            Puppy time? Did you get a pup in the end? 😀

            Ah thanks Kara 🙂 My book is out on the kindle for now but I’m now looking for an agent so I can get it published the old fashioned way…

            My mum has been regulary taking herbs for twelve years now and she says her immune system is much stronger than what it was – has had hardly any infections! At a basic level you can eat garlic and citrus fruit (if you like those things) every day to build you up. Do you like salmon? Or are you still a vegetarian? 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

            • Legend was one of my favorites, along with The Labyrinth, The Dark Crystal, and The Neverending story. I didn’t do much reading until middle school, but I did have a lot of Fraggle Rock books. Those were the shit! I remember one with the Muppets, which was clearly an attempt to get me to eat my veggies as a youngster. Broccoli is way cooler to eat when you think you’re eating actual trees – like a very hungry Paul Bunyan.

              I’m an oppotunistic eater now. I eat whatever I can tolerate, even if it used to have a face. When I can tolerate variety, I’ll probably transition back to a mostly vegetarian diet. I did feel much better that way.

              Liked by 1 person

              • Those were and still are, good films. I think they go overboard with the cgi now. 😱 My little sister loved Fraggle Rock.

                Are you eating chocolate eggs this Easter? 🐣 🍫 💜

                🙂 🐻


      • Maybe you should eat more protein? 🙂 My monthly doctor appointment used to be full of anxiety and fear, and knowing beforehand how very tired and weary I would be after the whole ordeal. It was also a waste of time and money. I’m drained just thinking about it.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I’m sure I do need more protein. I’ve been getting about half of what I need, but eating has been so difficult lately I eat what I can and try not to obsess about macros.

          It really does feel like a waste because most of the time they sit there and nod and nothing else happens. They probably feel the same way. I think the issue is that the inpatient internists like to blame my pcm and specialists for the condition I’m in when I’m admitted, when the reality is that it couldn’t have been prevented either way.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Being realistic is a necessity, being optimistic and hopeful too much is a recipe for a complete and utter emotional breakdown. If the hubby is able to bear some of that hopeful attitude for you, let him, it makes loved ones feel better I think. I hope you are able to get some R&R and feel a bit better soon. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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