I cancelled my ortho appointment this morning because I was feeling entirely too shitty. Too sick to go to a doctor? There’s a little irony for you. I suppose the whole truth is that I would have gone, had I felt it would be beneficial in some way. I don’t see much point in going to follow-up appointments. I go because I’m expected to, and sometimes I skip it.
I was motivated early on because I wanted to know what the fuck was wrong with me, and hoped it could be fixed. I was a naive young padawan. When I learned that’s not how it works, I got angry. Misdirected anger motivated me for a while. After hearing “I don’t know what else I can do for you” from one too many doctors, I transitioned to depression, then apathy.
My attitude stinks. It looks like depression (and probably is to some extent, denial is cool), but I see it as being realistic. If I’m supposed to have a follow-up appointment once a month for no good reason, make it with one doctor, not 14. I can’t seem to make myself do much of anything. It also seems like I’ve given up and just want to be left alone. I go because manchild wants me to go. When he wasn’t here, I went because my parents harassed me about it. Rarely has it been of my own initiative.
I wonder what it’ll take for me to give a shit? Eh, I just don’t care.