Living in my little bubble, I had almost forgotten how exhausting life is beyond being a slave to the dictator.  The dictator being my broken ass, of course.  I went to the grocery store, then to the bulk foods store with my Mom today.  Only two hours out of my day, and I felt like my brain had turned into a black hole.  I don’t even remember what it feels like to have energy, or not feel like shit.  It’s a little sad, but I find it makes dealing with the present easier since I no longer have anything to compare it to.  Maybe I’ve gotten a little too comfortable with misery, as it’s often suggested by certain people that my doctors aren’t doing enough, or I’ve given up.  I don’t see it as giving up.  I see it as adaptation.  There’s no sense in arguing with them, because it’s fairly difficult to understand unless you’ve been through it or have a thorough understanding of Western medicine.  I sit and take it like a champ and count down the days ’til I’m outta here (25, suckas!).

My Dad is having all of his teeth yanked next week, and had a pre-op appointment today.  When he had x-rays done, they made him remove his insulin pump.  Guess what?  They forgot to give it back to him, and he forgot to ask for it.  His appointment was in Cincinnati, and being several hours away, he thinks he’s going to wait until next week to get it.  We JUST restocked the bread and cereal supply today, so if he thinks he’ll be able to zero carb it ’til then, he’s crazy.  He can’t resist the call of the carbs.  He does have syringes from before he got his pump, so I guess he can go old school.  The thing that gets me is if he can control his blood sugar through diet, why blast through insulin while eating like crap?  Eventually it will stop working, and then he’s fucked.  Even halving the number of carbs he currently eats would be a tremendous help.  He knows and he doesn’t seem to care.  I’m willing to do all sorts of crazy things with my diet if it means I’ll feel a little better, but maybe I’m a weirdo.  I’ve said enough to him, and hope he figures it out before it’s too late.  I think he wants to die, but death by diabetes isn’t exactly a quick death.

Understandably, Mom’s first year of retirement sucked because she spent too much time around pooface.  She’s happy I’m here so she has someone to talk to who isn’t a jerk, although I’m keeping my fingers crossed that she runs out of shit to talk about soon.  She did a painting at paint night, drunk.


Look at those happy fucking trees!  Dad told her she should have thrown it out, but she didn’t, so now it’s mine.  I told her it will make a perfect mate for the thrift store hippie bus painting in the throne room.  Acrylic isn’t her area of expertise.  She paints watercolors, and even does commissioned pieces for people.  She’s pretty good!  She started painting after her aneurysm as therapy, and found a talent she never knew she had.  My only discovered talent is leaning against the railing for balance and sliding up when my hands are full.  Maybe I should be the world’s first pole dancer with neuropathy, POTS, and Crohn’s?  She wins, either way.



6 thoughts on “Forgetful

  1. Your dad is an adult and he gets to make his own health decisions. Just like you don’t like others giving you advice on your health, I’m sure your dad feels the same way. And anyway, death is never easy, no matter what you die from. Your dad is obviously miserable, suggesting your mom throw away that painting. I like it. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yup, which is why I don’t say anything anymore. Did I say easy? I meant quick. I didn’t proofread. Either way, yes, he’s miserable. Has been for most of his life. I annoy him because I’m not as fuckthis,fuckthat,fuckitall as he is. Of course, if you’re as miserable as he is, he complains about how miserable you are. Goldilocks of funk.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Pole dancer sounds like the go! Heard the pay is pretty good too 😉

    I hear you on the broken ass thing, and adaption or ‘managing’ as my wonderful ‘Western medical professional’ calls it; is about all we have! Funny though, it seems they have a ‘way’ of managing that they think we should adhere too … i think we should do whatever the hell works for us! …

    oh and supermarkets are a small piece of hell on earth; .. its like road rage, but grocery styles!! awful places! online shopping is the go lol

    PS: the trees are interesting 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I love the trees, I wish the trees outside looked so green and bushy. Sounds like at the very least you’re finding small moments of strange entertainment, at least amidst the stress. I totally agree that there is a difference between adapting to shitty circumstances and giving up or giving in. It’s something you’ve had to do not by choice but because that’s what happens when there isn’t any miracle cure for what ails ya. Keep the countdown going, you’ll be home in no time!

    Liked by 1 person

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