Ized, yzed, fied

Taking a break from writing was a total cop-out.  The linguistic part of my brain took a crap.  In fact, if any of this ends up making sense, consider it a small miracle.  I’m having a heck of a time trying to focus on anything while ignoring the screams to join my dark side in isolation.  Isolation sounds damn awesome right about now.  As such, I’ve been crappy in the communication department too.

“Kara, where the ef have you been?”

a) I was swallowed by a whale.

b) I searched for firestorm in the badlands.

c) I discovered skittles are made by giving enemas to unicorns.

d) I got kidnapped by the white coat brigade.

If you chose C and D, you get an A!  Well, a 100%.  You won’t be swallowed by a whale, I hope.

I’m going into my, uhhhh, 11th day (I can still count! Maybe…) of the best inpatient care I’ve ever received.  There’s a lot of bickering between home doctors and new doctors, but there’s also more doing than throwing maybes around.  I guess that’s the difference between a teaching hospital and a tertiary hospital.

In the past week I’ve been appendectocized, antibioticyzed, dialyzed, and as of yesterday certified abscess free.  Appendicitis?  Apparently I just hurt real bad in the guts all the time and can’t tell the difference.  I wasn’t expecting to be cut open.  And what is it about all of the infectious shit happening on my right side?  Is it because I sleep on my right side?  Is it the yin to my yang?  Can’t I just mirror copy my left side and get rid of the rest?  I can now say I’m less enthusiastic about being gutted to remove the gremlins from the rest of my bowels.  To say I’m sore is an understatement, but I’ve got a knack for that sort of thing.  At least I got a little blood transfusion action during the whole ordeal.

For the record, central lines suck.  It makes me wish I had my access done when it was scheduled a few months ago.   I’m not really complaining about not being fistulized because I’ve never been a fan of the idea.  This setup works for the acute stuff, but it happens often enough that it’s probably a good idea to stop being a weinie.  And besides, this shit is really damn uncomfortable.  The risk of infection with a CVA is also a problem, especially considering I seem to be germtopia.  “Hey guys!  Her immune system is shit!  Let’s have a rave! *dirty germs dancing with glow sticks*”  Fuckers.

I should be out of here soon, within the next few days.  I’ve been ready to leave since day 4 when they d/c’d the morphine and benadryl.  I’m still really fucking itchy, but have chosen to be somewhat coherent rather than constantly nodding off while I’m upright.  Overall, I’m feeling MUCH better than I was two weeks ago.

I’m upset that I missed Carolyn’s funeral, but better one funeral rather than two.  At least it solved my wardrobe deficiency.  Mom said the service was nice (Dad stayed home to bring me contraband but kept forgetting to grab my phone charger so I was without netflix/hulu/music for a whole 4 days), and my cousin wrote a very entertaining eulogy.  Again, pissed I wasn’t there.  My parents ordered a wheelchair so Mom has something to use after her foot surgery, and when she’s done with it, I’m allowed to use it until they need it again.  Cool!  With any luck, that’ll give me one less excuse to sit around at home.

I’m driving myself up the walls about finances, and every other little thing.  Life in general is rubbing me the wrong way.  I assume it’s a byproduct of going stir-crazy.  I need to get in on the neighborhood yard sale and sell all of manchild’s extra shit.  If I were to disclose how much money he has spent on pointless crap and at titty bars in the past 35 days, you’d shit a castle too.  He told me he’s tied for the top spot in his class (I’m not sure if they note distinguished graduates at NCOA or not), and all I could think was ‘then why are you such an idiot?’, but said “Pretty fly for a white guy.”

Seeeee, I have a little self control left.  Am I excited to see him in 10 days?  No.  I’m murderface.  Let’s blame hormones, imprisonment, and an intense craving for fried pickles.  Anything but blaming him to keep myself from releasing a bag of bees in his truck.  It’s much more difficult to hate him when he’s around to fetch me ice cream.  I’m a terrible person, but I’m only human’ish.

To avoid ending this on a sour note, here are two sloths in a basket.  Ack!  So weird, so cute!



21 thoughts on “Ized, yzed, fied

  1. ” I discovered skittles are made by giving enemas to unicorns.” Ouch.

    Well, at least you don’t need your appendix. I mean, not like you need fried pickles. By the way, what are they feeding you? I think I’m gonna make a cherry pie today. Instead of graham crackers for the crust, I got ginger cookies, which I’m gonna have to smash to bits. (Fun.) If you lived near me, I might have been persuaded to share my cherry pie (but probably not). 🙂

    Dude… titty bars? Have I mentioned that I used to work at one? Bunch of horny, drunk men, who feel free to be the dicks they are, just because they’re in a titty bar. (Hey, that rhymes.)

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh man, I couldn’t do that. I went to one in college when one of my friends turned 18. The clientele gave me the creeps. The bouncer told us I had to be accompanied by another person in our group at all times. That was the first and last time for me.

      Clear fluids for 3 days, soft foods for another 3, then low residue gluten free slop is what I’m eating now. I can live on mashed potatoes and cream of rice, riiight? It’s no good. I’m craving salty stuff even though I’m getting plenty of salt, although I wouldn’t mind doing a nose dive into some sour cream pound cake.

      Do you like pumpkin pie? There’s a dip you can make for ginger snaps…tastes sorta like pumpkin cheesecake. I bet you could layer it with the cookies in it to soften them. Cherry pie with ginger crust is a brilliant idea.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well, this was an upscale titty bar. (The uniform cost me $80, like decades ago.) Had a steak buffet and everything. But there’s not much you can do to make this kind of place look like something it isn’t. Still, it was interesting to learn how men behave when no “real” women are around.

        Funny, I’ve been thinking about sour cream pound cake, too. Unfortunately, I didn’t start thinking about it until after I went to the store, so I don’t have any sour cream. Of course, cherry pie’s been on my mind for like a week. And the only reason I got the ginger snaps instead of the graham crackers is because they were cheaper. But that does sound good, ginger and cherry, right? With a touch of cinnamon.

        I’m not sure how I feel about pumpkin. Love pumpkin spice, and pumpkin does make things softer… like bananas. I think I like bananas more than pumpkins… But banana cheesecake doesn’t sound good… I’ve never made cheesecake, but I think I’d like to tackle chocolate mousse first.

        (This nonsensical food rant is brought to you by Bud.) 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

        • I enjoy those food rants, and I’m a big fan of food. It’s good stuff, when it’s good stuff. It has been many years since my last bud assisted eating experience. I had raspberry zingers dipped in cappuccino mix. It was nasty, but I ate it anyhow.

          Liked by 1 person

            • It’s a fact, I’m a weirdo 🙂

              The mallows are the best part. My Mom picks all of the tasty bits out of the cereal and leaves the boring stuff. I yelled at her for killing my cinnamon chex. Oops.

              Liked by 1 person

  2. lol….You all make me laugh my azz off…to fucking funny then food talk with titty bars..now that could be fun….

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Speaking of titty bars, there are these ass kicking gluten free ginger snaps that make astonishing pumpkin pie crust!

    Little Kara, I’m so glad you’re better enough to crack wise. (Virtual vewwy, vewwy gentle hugs…wabbits are vewwy sensitive kweetures)

    I’m sorry you had to be surgerized, but if that’s what it takes to get the nasty stuff out, so be it. I hope that’s going to lighten the load for your bod.

    So glad to see your shining blog again 😄

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’ve been thinking about you. Are you doing okay? I know it’s all relative, but I hope you’ve gotten a little time to kick back and relax.

      Hugs for you (and the fur kid too )

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ummm, well, I’ve been hanging out in places with no communications whatsoever (stay tuned). And I have not been all right. Shitstorm of health issues, physical and mental. In a word, I’m weary. I’m sure you can relate. But now that I’m back in “civilisation,” I will no doubt vomit my discomfort all over my blog. It’s nice that you worry about me 🐦🌷🌻🐝

        Glad you’re back in the posting saddle again!

        Liked by 2 people

        • Oh crap, that’s what I was afraid of. I wish there was something I could do like hand out hugs on demand, become a virtual truffle vending machine, or at the very least – hold a kevlar umbrella over your head to help you weather the shitstorm. Blog-vomit is good, especially if it helps you even a smidgen!

          It feels good to be back at it. 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

          • Oooo, a Kevlar bullshit-shitstorm repelling umbrella! That’s it! You’ll get rich!!!! I’ll be on your prototype testing team, yes?

            Your virtual hugs and caring mean a lot. Right back atcha! And I am SO glad you’re feeling better enough for blog therapy. Hope it all goes in an upward direction from here. I know neither of us will ever be, like, “normal,” and in the physical plant department I think that sucks awfully. But, can’t do a thing about it but keep plugging along. It’s very good to have friends, even if they’re the virtual hug kind….❤🌻💖

            Liked by 1 person

  4. SLOTHS!!! Sorry, they’re so distracting, who doesn’t at least a little love sloths. Boolame on so many health issues, but it sounds like you’re being well taken care of, and that at least the healing pain should be worth it in the end. FYI I wouldn’t blame sleeping sides, I’m a lefty sleeper but like you all my internal complications are on the right side.
    It sucks you’ve been stuck and on top of it all missed the service, but better than you being in even worse condition. Wishing you a speedy recovery and that the hubs manages to grab you as much ice cream when you reunite as you can handle!

    Liked by 1 person

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