Fucking Squirrels

Squirrels.  Underneath their cute and fluffy masks, lies a bunch of nefarious assholes.

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You get the idea.  Squirrels are jerks.  When my terrier was still alive, the squirrels in the yard knew exactly where the end of her tie-out was, and they would sit at the perimeter antagonizing her.  Sometimes they’d relax in the middle of her spot waiting on her to be let out, just so she’d chase them at full speed and end up hanging herself when she hit the end of the line.  She broke a few collars that way.  Am I giving the squirrels too much credit?  I don’t think so.  They’re evil little fucks.

While we were both gone for a month, the squirrels made a home of my car.  They stuffed the engine bay full of grass and weeds, and helped themselves to the delicious wiring.  The damage is covered by insurance, but there’s a $500 deductible.  I’m pissed.  There will be blood.  They eat my car, I eat them.  It’s only fair.  Anyone want to come over for some BBQ squirrel nuggets?

 

17 thoughts on “Fucking Squirrels

  1. Owner Fricassees Family of Homeless Squirrels for Building Nest in Car
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    Vote for President Squirrel!

    (Brought to you by the miracle that is bud.) 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • You got some! YAY!

      I read about a squirrel disease that’s similar to mad cow. I wanted to murder them for torturing my dog, so I did a little research. I have a friend who’s originally from Joppa, MD. They ate squirrels often, and no one died (apparently it’s delicious panfried). Honestly, I don’t want to eat them. I just want them to fuck off.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Some people like squirrel meat, but I hear it’s hard to chew. I don’t know that much about dogs, except they’re cute, but don’t they like to chase squirrels? Your dog was trying to have a little fun, but didn’t understand she wasn’t allowed to — that’s not the squirrel’s fault. Perhaps you should have let your dog off the leash… Let Mother Nature take it’s course… Then, dead squirrel, problem solved.

        Do dogs eat squirrels or would you have to bury the hairy rodent? 🙂

        In other news, I found a roach on my kitchen floor (may it rest in peace). Must have smelled the cinnamon rolls baking. (Yes, they’re delicious.) 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • She took the squirrel business seriously. Ratties were originally bred to hunt small pests (although gidget chased anything that wasn’t human. Deer, cows…she was completely unaware of her tiny stature), and have amazing prey drive and tenacity. Traffic was my main concern. When she was focused on the chase, there was no way to recall her. She chased one across the neighborhood, treed it, then stayed there until we found her three hours later. It was our job to shoot them down, but only if they were on our property. One of the benefits to living outside of city limits. The neighborhood cats and carrion birds cleaned up the mess.

          I’m making some pumpkin donuts later if the caffeine starts to work.

          http://blog.kingarthurflour.com/2014/10/15/pumpkin-doughnuts-baked-to-perfection/

          Mmmmmmm. Donuts.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Mmmmmm, squirrel heads in gravy. Quite succulent. Or very simply skewered and roasted over an open fire. No, not ALIVE 👹

    Although it does sound as if your little fury bastards deserve to be roasted alive! **sizzle**

    Yes indeed, squirrels KNOW STUFF. Like how to chew the wires in your attic so as to catch your house on fire. What the hell, it’s insured, right???

    Hmmm.

    I’m really sorry about your car. As if you don’t have enough shitstorms in your life already.

    Yes, the little fucks torment Atina. They waltz by and just when she thinks she can get ahold of one, it runs up a tree and hangs off a branch just over her head chattering, “Nah nah da boo-boo, stick it up yer doo-doo!”

    I did raise a baby squirrel when I was in college. He was the cutest little fucker! I turned the living room into a gymnasium for Rudy the Squirrel, much to my roommate’s disgust. Oh well. I think she was the one who told the landlady, who insisted that squirrels carry rabies, so even though my neighbors raised ferrets in their apartment and the stench carried everywhere, I had to let my little Rudy loose on the Quad to take his place among the panhandlers there…I think he did quite well for himself, knowing how to pick the banjo and grin….

    But sorry about your car! I know it wasn’t Rudy, because squirrels don’t live that long…..especially if they’re barbecued….

    Liked by 2 people

  3. HA, as long as you’re also serving chipmunk! Ugh those buggers are just as evil as their squirrel counterpart. The last two years they’ve been feasting on our strawberries. Not the whole berries mind you, they just take one bite out of each one right before they’re ripe enough to pick. Last fall we found all our outdoor wiring chewed apart by either critter. All I need is a pellet gun and to lay in wait!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: Squirrel Culling | Polishing Dookie

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