There’s always tomorrow

….Unless you happen to read or watch science fiction stuff, and then who knows if the sun won’t crash into the earth or aliens will invade to imprison humankind and use us as slave labor and food.  Can you imagine eating people?  Lots of complaints of conventional farming methods feeding out livestock on food that wasn’t designed for the animal, and pumping them full of antibiotics when they get sick from eating that crap.  Most people are probably poisonous to eat, and not just unhealthy.  Perhaps that’s why cannibalism is relatively rare?  Almost as rare as an organically fed, drug-free human.

The point is, if today sucks, it’s possible that tomorrow won’t suck as much.  Or it might suck more, but it’s nice to separate one shitty day from another with a couple of hours of sleep and hope for the best.

Yesterday was the worst day I’ve had in a long while, mentally.  As joyous as propofol is on the day it’s administered, it drops me into a deep depression after it’s eliminated from my body.  Usually I just want to listen to sad music, watch cartoons, and spend a few days in bed far away from other people.  Yesterday, I picked fights with manchild on the most trivial shit, and talked about removing myself from the equation.

Being miserable isn’t just miserable for the miserable person.  It blooms and takes on a life of its own and spreads to those closest to the epicenter.  I haven’t thought about, let alone discussed suicide as a means of relief since I was a teenager.  It’s as though everything hit me all at once and trapped me under it, like a thick layer of ice.  I know I’m never going to be 100%, and I still go through periods of grief.  Yesterday was one of those days.  I wasn’t in control of myself and felt even worse after attacking my #1 fan, my husband.

I talk a lot of shit about him because he’s oblivious to the needs of himself and others outside of work and play.  He’s not a bad person, and he certainly doesn’t do it on purpose.  He’s human, and a man.  I feel bad asking him to do stuff, because I do relatively little and it’s not fair, but without being told or reminded, he doesn’t even realize something is being neglected.  His brain is completely different from mine, so expecting him to see things as I do is asinine.

Even after calling him a ‘fucking asshole’ for drinking my soda, he put his arms around me and held me until I cried.  I was as trapped in his hug as I am in life, but one is infinitely better than the other.  I told him I’m tired of being stuck and not having an out, and I’m tired of wearing a smile even when I want to murder everyone around me.  I’m tired of feeling like a worthless piece of shit, and even more tired of the effect I have on other people.

I can fantasize about what the world would be like without me, and it has very little impact.  He’s relieved.  My family is relieved.  My friends are relieved.  Maybe she’s gone on to a better place, maybe she doesn’t suffer anymore, and maybe they (
he) can live the way they really want without having to take me into consideration.

The difference is choice.  They have choices on how they want to live their lives, and the decisions they make.  I didn’t choose illness, so the guilt I feel shouldn’t even have a valid place in my mind.  The mind does what the mind wants.

Is today any better?  I went in for dialysis, sat in a squeaky recliner for 4 1/2 hours and played Tetris in an attempt to ignore all of the other patients around me.  I’m exhausted, every muscle in my body is cramping, and it feels like I took a 4×4 to the back of the head.  But, today is better than yesterday even if today still sucked.  If I had off’d myself, I’d never know what tomorrow has in store.  The future is as exciting as it is scary, and I’m not ready to put an end to the adventure.

27 thoughts on “There’s always tomorrow

  1. Soylent Green must be a poison bomb. Only humans would eat it.

    Sigh….it major sucks to have it all hit you at once, and have it hit you that there’s really no way out of this. I was wondering if this would happen, or if you were going to grin and bear it, soldier that you are. Do you know how brave you are? Incredibly, Sacajawea brave. I have a whole bunch of those dollars, and I think they might be worth 50¢. That’s me, buy high, sell low. Every once in a few days I realize all over again that I have several chronic diseases that are not going to go away ever, and I want to wrap my hair around my neck and suffocate. Luckily, my hair is not yet long enough. Are you less itchy after dialysis?

    Liked by 3 people

    • Oh lordy, soylent. I had a friend who wanted to try it, but I was able to talk sense into him.

      Brave, huh. Hows come I’m afraid of the creatures under my bed? I’m a big old weinie! ;).

      I am much less itchy now, yes. My feet and hands are still driving me nuts, but that’s probably the nerve shit.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve been hearing from others, and feeling this way…too. okay that was worded wrong. I’ve noticed a lot of us are going through a lot of the same emotional shit right now.
    And it sucks.
    But as you say, there’s tomorrow.
    The only thing we know is that things always change.
    I might not like it but how will I know if I’m not here?
    It could be pretty great.

    I hope you are feeling better.
    You aren’t alone.
    May not be very comforting but know, you are not alone.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’ve noticed that as well. Spring is always difficult for me. Wish I could figure it out.

      It really does help…
      Before I started reading chronic illness blogs, I felt like a freak of nature. No one understood it, not even me. Connecting with other people has helped tremendously.

      We’re all going through our own hell and doing the best we can. It’s also okay to feel hopeless at times, because sometimes shit hits the fan and we react in a way that makes total sense. 🙂

      Nothing wrong with positivity, but there’s something to be said about being true to the way you’re ACTUALLY feeling.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. you can’t off yourself … your blogs is one of my favs … makes the world seem a little bit brighter … sorry, very self centred i know … but hey 😉
    and friendly tip … try bubble witch saga 2 … that shit goes on for ages and its so rewarding shooting all those little bubbles and getting 3 gold stars at the end of it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Awww, I’m not goin’ anywhere. I think my seasonal affective disorder is reversed…doesn’t start until it gets warm and sunny outside. I must be gollum!

      Thanks for the recommendation! I cleared a few gigs on my phone so I can put some new stuff on it. Tetris is fun, but I get so into it that I give myself a panic attack when it gets super speedy in the higher levels! 😆

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I get it chick-a-dee! It’s been a rough year! For all of us. We all have such different experiences, but I think similar(ish) responses. I have days when I’m over it. I think maybe my family would be okay when I’m gone. All this stupid chit. So I write, I doodle, I color, I watch Grey’s , and sometimes I just have to figure out how to get through the next 60 seconds.
    I bought my oldest and I these ( http://www.happysoulapparel.com/products/semicolon-collaboration ). She has a tat with a semicolon in it, and I love the thought behind it. So hang in there, and *gentle hugs*.
    Oh….and your comic relief of the day: I saw a thing online that said adulthood is looking both ways before crossing the street, and then getting hit by an airplane.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I love it!

      I follow people with all diseases of the alphabet, and it really is remarkable how similar the psychological experience is. It does help to know that it’s not an abnormal reaction. Life is pretty gritty sometimes, but somehow we figure out a way to make it to the other side.

      I ordered a bunch of yarn and 32 different sized sets of circular and straight knitting needles. Keeping my hands busy is the best, even if my skill level is not. 😉 Jeff Bezos is my hero.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Crying is usually a good thing, but try not to do too much of it — you really can’t afford to lose any more weight. I wouldn’t want you to disappear, mainly because I don’t want you haunting me like a ghost. 🙂

    The effect you have on this person is that you make me smile, even though it hurts to smile. Maybe I should be mad at you for forcing me to smile? Something to think about…

    Across the Universe is one of my favorite movies, even though I don’t like musicals. And the guy who plays Joe Anderson is a fox. (An old lady’s term for hunk.) What a great voice, too. I watched all the extras on the DVD, and he’s also funny. Perhaps I need a poster for my bare walls… 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • No more funny business… I don’t wanna hurt you 😉

      It’s one of my favorites also! Amazing cast. Jim Sturgess is easy on the eyebulbs too….I wouldn’t mind sharing a plate of spaghetti with that kid. He’d better be a good forker, or he won’t get any. My pasta fu skills are off the charts.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. This thread is why yours is my favorite blog, dear Kara
    Smart, funny, irreverent, and wise*; and it doesn’t erode my spelling and grammar skills just by reading it🙊.
    I mostly make virtual comments, which I find to be more entertaining and less embarrassing than real ones. But I’m here listening and smiling (or raging) along. I just wanted to say hey, and thanks🐙
    *also very wonderful blogs from painkills2 , Xunae, Dizzy Chick, and the GOOD Dr. Laura😁 MsMango and funny mystery person “me” are also very cool!

    Liked by 2 people

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