….Unless you happen to read or watch science fiction stuff, and then who knows if the sun won’t crash into the earth or aliens will invade to imprison humankind and use us as slave labor and food. Can you imagine eating people? Lots of complaints of conventional farming methods feeding out livestock on food that wasn’t designed for the animal, and pumping them full of antibiotics when they get sick from eating that crap. Most people are probably poisonous to eat, and not just unhealthy. Perhaps that’s why cannibalism is relatively rare? Almost as rare as an organically fed, drug-free human.
The point is, if today sucks, it’s possible that tomorrow won’t suck as much. Or it might suck more, but it’s nice to separate one shitty day from another with a couple of hours of sleep and hope for the best.
Yesterday was the worst day I’ve had in a long while, mentally. As joyous as propofol is on the day it’s administered, it drops me into a deep depression after it’s eliminated from my body. Usually I just want to listen to sad music, watch cartoons, and spend a few days in bed far away from other people. Yesterday, I picked fights with manchild on the most trivial shit, and talked about removing myself from the equation.
Being miserable isn’t just miserable for the miserable person. It blooms and takes on a life of its own and spreads to those closest to the epicenter. I haven’t thought about, let alone discussed suicide as a means of relief since I was a teenager. It’s as though everything hit me all at once and trapped me under it, like a thick layer of ice. I know I’m never going to be 100%, and I still go through periods of grief. Yesterday was one of those days. I wasn’t in control of myself and felt even worse after attacking my #1 fan, my husband.
I talk a lot of shit about him because he’s oblivious to the needs of himself and others outside of work and play. He’s not a bad person, and he certainly doesn’t do it on purpose. He’s human, and a man. I feel bad asking him to do stuff, because I do relatively little and it’s not fair, but without being told or reminded, he doesn’t even realize something is being neglected. His brain is completely different from mine, so expecting him to see things as I do is asinine.
Even after calling him a ‘fucking asshole’ for drinking my soda, he put his arms around me and held me until I cried. I was as trapped in his hug as I am in life, but one is infinitely better than the other. I told him I’m tired of being stuck and not having an out, and I’m tired of wearing a smile even when I want to murder everyone around me. I’m tired of feeling like a worthless piece of shit, and even more tired of the effect I have on other people.
I can fantasize about what the world would be like without me, and it has very little impact. He’s relieved. My family is relieved. My friends are relieved. Maybe she’s gone on to a better place, maybe she doesn’t suffer anymore, and maybe they (
he) can live the way they really want without having to take me into consideration.
The difference is choice. They have choices on how they want to live their lives, and the decisions they make. I didn’t choose illness, so the guilt I feel shouldn’t even have a valid place in my mind. The mind does what the mind wants.
Is today any better? I went in for dialysis, sat in a squeaky recliner for 4 1/2 hours and played Tetris in an attempt to ignore all of the other patients around me. I’m exhausted, every muscle in my body is cramping, and it feels like I took a 4×4 to the back of the head. But, today is better than yesterday even if today still sucked. If I had off’d myself, I’d never know what tomorrow has in store. The future is as exciting as it is scary, and I’m not ready to put an end to the adventure.