Let’s get something straight

I’m sure you’ve noticed I spend an awful lot of time arguing with certain health care peeps about my mental health status.  They’re quick to blame everything on depression and/or anxiety, so I look at them like they’re fucking morons and deny it.  My husband is my wingman.

“Well, I can’t force you to go to behavioral health, but that’s my opinion.”

Yup.  Thanks for that, and I’d tell you where you can forcibly shove that opinion but then I’d only be adding fuel to the fire, wouldn’t I?

Am I depressed?  Am I anxious?  Simple answer: hell-fucking-yes.  It seems perfectly reasonable to not be 100% giggles and sunshine.  Life is damn difficult, and this isn’t unique to me.  Everybody struggles.  It’s reality.

I do have an understanding of clinical depression versus situational depression, as I have lived through both.  There’s a lot of overlap, but one requires medication while the other can be remedied by a simple change of scenery.  Don’t like the view?  Change it!  I took antidepressants on and off during my late teens/early 20’s (weed was more effective, so sue me), then again when we were in transition two years ago.  I desperately needed to be complacent and blunted.  They’re wonderful for that – to get me through the most difficult times, but I eventually want to feel again.  The good, the bad, and everything in between.  If not for the contrast that my natural emotions allow, I’d never really appreciate the good times, or even the feeling of being content.  As uncomfortable and sometimes hellish being down in the dumps is, I find living flat-lined to be far worse.

My range is fairly small because I’m extremely laid back, so when I’m on psychotropics too long, I completely lose the emotional nuances that give me my humanity.  I become a robot.  That’s no fun for anyone.  I choose to suffer through the pain of occasional (and sometimes extended) depression so I can experience excitement and joy.  Clearly, I’m not truly depressed.  I’m human.

When I’ve decided to stop taking a non-essential medication, don’t blame my mental state.  Blame my intelligence for allowing me to make an educated decision and not following orders blindly.  I know how to titrate, I know how to taper off, and I know what works for me and what doesn’t, so stick to your fucking specialty and work with me instead of punishing me.

M’kay?  Thanks.

16 thoughts on “Let’s get something straight

  1. Preach it gurl!!!!
    I hear you loud and clear…I am the same way…so tired of all this shitt…I don’t like the feeling half the depressing medication give me…they are always trying to tell me here take this or take that fuck that…every time I go in for my visit I just say as they ask me is your depression better or same or worse I just say same rather I want to really cry lol…I don’t want any more…They do make you feel like a robot and loss of REAL feelings and I rather like you said I rather feel upset or happy or sad what have you it is part of life for me anyways …I know when my depression gets to low I usually just talk it out to my better half or make it thru on my own..but you go to there office and they want to fucking admit your unhappy azz…

    Liked by 2 people

    • You got it! Then you get roped into going to the psychiatrist because life ain’t perfect. The past two shrinks I went to said I wasn’t clinically depressed – I was responding appropriately to my circumstances. Hmmmm, how about that. Thanks for wasting my time and energy, guys. 😒

      Liked by 1 person

      • That is for sure and hell life isn’t perfect I think what we go through for the most part is normal depression and all..Oh and don’t forget to pay them too for no help at all just here take this and that..

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Wonderfully put! I can relate a lot, I find I lose any hint of personality when I’m on most anti-depressants and it makes me more upset and ruins my ‘being’ more than being depressed every does. Temporary use is sometimes needed but I’d rather be me and depressed than not be me at all. I hate how often medical professionals blame physical symptoms on mental issues when HELLO physical pain and discomfort sure as hell are going to cause someone (who would normally be all sunshine and rainbows) to be a bit mentally unstable.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is impossible to separate the body from the mind, try as we might. Admit to being down, and it’s like they clock out before the appointment is over. “come back and see me after you’ve been to behavioral health, then we’ll talk about your ailing ass.”

      I’ve even gotten shit for being fine when they thought I should be depressed. What do you people want from me?! lol

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I hear ya! And gawd forbid you have ovaries…because then you’re just “hysterical”. I have spent years fighting with doctors and specialists. I had to fight because they put that I have an eating disorder and an anxiety disorder in my chart instead of recommending me to the EFM Program. Uh….hello….hip replacement??. And I go to the mat over SSRIs because I’ve been through all the other chit and I can’t function on those drugs. Looked it up, and I get symptoms of Serotonin Syndrome.

    Liked by 2 people

    • That was one hell of a switch up. Dicks. I remember sitting through the efmp board hearing. What a bunch of stiffs! They asked me what’s wrong with me, never mind they had a fat stack of records to skim, and my husband said “she’s dying.” Ha! I’m about due for a review. Boooooo. We’re talking about moving into ADA housing, but uh, moving sucks.

      Serotonin syndrome is serious shit, and a good sign you didn’t actually need ssri’s.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Right? Ugh. I filed a formal complaint. Probably didn’t change a damn thing though. What changed was after we got here and I had a new PCM. She filled out the paperwork I asked her to so I could discharge my student loans, sent my file up for EFM review (I have EFM 5, btw, when he was in….doesn’t matter now that he’s out), and she got me parking tags.
        And for what it’s worth (if you didn’t know this already) Maryland disabled parking tags are lifetime. You just gotta get them renewed (for free!) every 4 years.
        And yeah, Serotonin Syndrome…..scary shit. I tell them that, they leave me alone.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s so hard to find a Dr with a bed side manner
    That will talk to you
    Not at you
    I can’t stand this shot I’ve been going through because of these assholes that call themselves Dr
    Christ ain’t got a pot to piss in
    And they are all full of crap
    The Sheldon Perspective

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Do you also suffer from the thing that happens when you go in there knowing exactly what you want to say and then they make you mad and it all comes out wrong and before you know it, you legit look anxious but it’s because you have the fire of a thousand suns wanting to bast out of you and yell at the bag of dicks doctor? 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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