I’m sure you’ve noticed I spend an awful lot of time arguing with certain health care peeps about my mental health status. They’re quick to blame everything on depression and/or anxiety, so I look at them like they’re fucking morons and deny it. My husband is my wingman.
“Well, I can’t force you to go to behavioral health, but that’s my opinion.”
Yup. Thanks for that, and I’d tell you where you can forcibly shove that opinion but then I’d only be adding fuel to the fire, wouldn’t I?
Am I depressed? Am I anxious? Simple answer: hell-fucking-yes. It seems perfectly reasonable to not be 100% giggles and sunshine. Life is damn difficult, and this isn’t unique to me. Everybody struggles. It’s reality.
I do have an understanding of clinical depression versus situational depression, as I have lived through both. There’s a lot of overlap, but one requires medication while the other can be remedied by a simple change of scenery. Don’t like the view? Change it! I took antidepressants on and off during my late teens/early 20’s (weed was more effective, so sue me), then again when we were in transition two years ago. I desperately needed to be complacent and blunted. They’re wonderful for that – to get me through the most difficult times, but I eventually want to feel again. The good, the bad, and everything in between. If not for the contrast that my natural emotions allow, I’d never really appreciate the good times, or even the feeling of being content. As uncomfortable and sometimes hellish being down in the dumps is, I find living flat-lined to be far worse.
My range is fairly small because I’m extremely laid back, so when I’m on psychotropics too long, I completely lose the emotional nuances that give me my humanity. I become a robot. That’s no fun for anyone. I choose to suffer through the pain of occasional (and sometimes extended) depression so I can experience excitement and joy. Clearly, I’m not truly depressed. I’m human.
When I’ve decided to stop taking a non-essential medication, don’t blame my mental state. Blame my intelligence for allowing me to make an educated decision and not following orders blindly. I know how to titrate, I know how to taper off, and I know what works for me and what doesn’t, so stick to your fucking specialty and work with me instead of punishing me.