I didn’t make it to the concert, as predicted. None of my husband’s coworkers were interested in taking the tickets in exchange for a fair amount of crappy beer. Half of them had never heard of Weezer, and the other half?
“Oh, yeah. My Dad listens to Weezer!”
We’re just a couple of old lame-ass mofos.
We watched 3 separate live shows on TV. Weezer, panic at the disco, and Andrew McMahon, since they were on the lineup . Andrew McMahon was the longest, because it was a combo documentary and cancer benefit concert.
He talked about being diagnosed with leukemia in his early 20’s, and a couple of things struck me.
1) He discussed how he was warned in great detail about what his body would be going through during treatment and recovery, but not once did they mention what it would do to his mind.
Anyone with a lengthy illness can relate to this. I suffer greatly physically, but the effect that it has on my mental health is far greater. Feeling out of control, hopeless, and that your body is trying like hell to kill you. It’s not pretty.
2) He eventually got to the point where he was beginning to shed the skin of his experience with cancer, which is to say he went into remission and could begin living his life again. He gained the perspectives only a person on the cusp of death could have.
So what happens to those of us who will never experience true remission? When our good days mean we may actually be able to be on our feet for an hour, or not be planted in the hospital? Cancer can do one of two things; it’ll fuck off, or it’ll kill you. It might take a while either way, but things are guaranteed to change.
I’m not saying this to be insensitive. I’ve known quite a few people who have battled cancer and some who have lost. There are residual effects from chemo and radiation. The idea that someone is 100% after kicking cancer is not the message I’m trying to send. Only that I wish my illnesses were as black and white as cancer – that they’d follow a predictable pattern. That some day, I can start living my life the way I want without settling for what my body dictates.
I want remission.