Your “Perfect” Diet Is A Farce

veganhohos

Stolen from Stephen #1

I was vegan for a while, and vegetarian even longer before that.  I say was, because now I eat whatever the hell I can so I don’t die of undernutrition.

When you become passionate about a certain way of life, an unintended side effect can be scrutinizing the habits of those around you.  Sadly, this happens all too often with vegetarians.  Enter the judgmental, preachy vegan.  The very reason those curious about going meat-free decide not to.  Preachy vegans are terrifying.  I don’t know what the percentage is of ethical vegetarians, versus those eating that way for the health benefits, but I wager a guess that the majority of vegetarian devotees stick with it because they have compassion for all living creatures (except earwigs).  I happen to be in that group, so this whole IBD ruckus is a big blow.  My motto now is ‘do the least amount of harm I possibly can’.  Organic dairy, eggs from free-roaming chickens, and the occasional piece of meat from the in-laws’ farm (those are some happy, spoiled rotten cows).  And the rest of the time, junk food.  Calorie density over quality.

It’s about balance.  Most developed countries eat too many highly processed foods, and consume entirely too much meat.  Some people are used to eating meat with each meal, and as the biggest part of the meal.  Is it any wonder your turds are as big as torpedoes and encased in lead?  Your poor hole.  Once a day is more than sufficient, considering the average serving size is 8 ounces (twice the recommended serving size).  That in itself is nearly enough protein for an entire day for one average sized, lightly active adult, not to mention there’s protein present in ALL foods.  “But where do you get your protein if you don’t eat meat?”  That peanut butter toast you had?  11 grams of protein, if you really went wild with the peanut butter.  15 grams if you decided to eat that giant glob of PB on two slices instead on one.  That cup of broccoli you just ate? 4 grams of protein, thank you very much.  Peas, beans, milk, cheese, yogurt, trail mix, chips, rice, cereal, poptarts, chocolate, and all fruits and veggies.  Everything.  Protein does not equal meat, you heathens.

A vegetarian/vegan diet can be viewed as health promoting because the emphasis is on minimally processed, plant-based foods.  All of nature’s beautiful and delicious multivitamins delivered directly to your belly in a form that your body can actually fuel you with.  It is definitely possible to be a junk food vegan (oreos are vegan!), but when you spend so much time looking at labels to make sure there’s no egg, milk, or animal butt in your food, it’s difficult to ignore the hard to pronounce chemicals on the same label.  It’s a little off-putting.

So, you’re a vegan.  You’re doing your part in protecting Bessie, the planet, and your health.  You eat right, you feel fanfuckingtastic, and you believe you’re invincible to the maladies of modern man.  Not only because you’re not actually a man, but because you’re powered by plants.  Antioxidant, anti-inflammatory, fibrous bundles of love.

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Well, my happy little greens-nosher, shit happens.  You still turned out to be a train wreck.  No one is immune to disease.  Your pious diet doesn’t shield you from genetics, or catching some weird viral infection that starts the autoimmune disease Rube Goldberg machine.  Your diet will not prevent or cure Crohn’s disease (can’t blame a girl for trying).  No, you are most certainly not immune to cancer, as several of your carrot munching counterparts have discovered.

“Why did this happen to me, of all people?!” you might ask.  You eat right, you exercise, you have a healthy weight, yet you still got sick.  Don’t listen to the other vegan fuckers who tell you that you weren’t doing it right.  Disease doesn’t discriminate.  If there’s any justice in the universe, they’ll come down with a terrible case of porridge plague.

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Look on the bright side, eating right and treating your body right has probably drastically improved your prognosis.  Your risk of heart disease and diabetes is still substantially lower than it would be had you been eating like a savage for the past 14 years.  You’re 33 years old and you still look 12.  Consider yourself humbled when you realize you’re a vulnerable human like everyone else.  Quit giving your boy-toy shit for eating fast food, and maybe enjoy a little deep-fried food yourself every once in a while.  Especially pickles.

There’s no such thing as a perfect diet.

bj

There is such a thing as destiny. (Just go with it)

18 thoughts on “Your “Perfect” Diet Is A Farce

  1. Concur! I thought my diet caused my hair to fall out … beer and pies .. how could that be??? LOL … and have fluffed with my diet for years thereafter… vegetarian // organic /// blah blah … and then, on a wonderful healthy organic preservative free diet I ended up with IBS and losing around 30kgs … oh and stomach ulcers! Blame it on whatever … your right … no-ones immune! So, antihistamines, brownies and organic milk for me now 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • I had a strong skin reaction to milk protein when I had my allergy prick test, and am definitely lactose intolerant (lactase ftw), but I’ve been eating yogurt, drinking whole milk, and of course eating ice cream, and I’ve yet to get that giant rash they said was probably from dairy, nor have I had a typical allergic reaction. I guess the moral of the story is don’t bathe in ice cream. 😃

      Liked by 2 people

      • Hahaha! Same … those horrid prick tests came back lactose intolerant, along with other shit … so i changed my diet … got worse … back to raw organic milk … with milo lol!! so maybe i was missing the milo all these years 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You forgot DQ™®©😄🍧🍦☕
    It’s part of the four food groups:
    Salt, sugar, grease, caffeine, and ice cream!
    Oh, i guess that makes five. Well fuck the FDA, anyway. What the hell do they know? All I know is, if I only eat DQ, I don’t shit for days. Nothing wrong with that! So what if my teeth rot? Plus which, it’s got to be loaded with calcium, right? That’s why I shit rocks a week later. Hey, better a sore hole for a day than fifteen times a day. IMO. Great post, Kara! I love your posts.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Haha, yes, fuck the FDA! I haven’t had DQ in years. We had one a few blocks from my house when I was an itty bitty, and Mom used me as an excuse to walk to the DQ. “Kara wants soft serve, away we go!” I do? I didn’t know that. It is so good. I need to figure out what kind of crack they put in it.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Wonderful post! Here, we’ve cut down meat immensely over the last 4 years, very slowly so Mr. Mango could get used to it. We buy from local small farms as much as we can. We’ve truly enjoyed experimenting with alternate protein sources, fun seasonings and yummy veggie mixes. Unfortunately, yea, life blows and just when I think my favorite foods are chickpeas and brussel sprouts, I realize that although great for the rest of my body feels great, my gut is a jerk. We do however have one of those preechy vegans in the family though, oh and he claims garlic and onion taint the soul. Well I must be really evil then…. The truth of the matter is we can’t always rely on diet to heal, we can’t always claim that our way is the only way and we shouldn’t constantly push our choices on others.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh lady, you’re singing my song. I tried so hard to keep beans and farty-veggies (I learned to love brussels sprouts too!) in my diet because I love them so so much. It is terribly sad, but we gotta do what we gotta do. I have a difficult time keeping my mouth shut around my parents sometimes, because with them I know simple dietary fixes will help, but I’ve really got to watch myself so I don’t end up sounding like an evil dietitian. Instead, I offered my help rather than pushing the subject. If they want it, they ask. It’s still on the table, and sometimes my Dad does ask for cookbook recommendations and snack ideas.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I was shocked at how much meat John was eating (not chicken, but beef and pork). He says he feels better now for having more salads, fruit and veg in his diet. We have entirely vegetarian meals sometimes (I couldn’t eat animal protein every day). Obviously, you eat what you can… Do you have any good recipes with chickpeas? 🙂 xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • One of my favorite things to do with chickpeas is to make a sandwich spread, very similar dressing to chicken salad, but with golden raisins and a tiny bit of curry powder. It’s good shit. And of course, the almighty hummus. I tried to look for links on my food blog, but apparently when the domain expired, all of my stuff went kaput. Oops! Moroccan dishes use chickpeas frequently, and if you like sweet and savory in the same dish, it’s wonderful. If I find anything specific, I’ll drop you an email. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I couldn’t live without meat. I’m in Texas too! Lol. I tried cutting down sometime back but I started getting anemic. I eat whatever I want but try and walk more. I need to stop drinking Coke says the girl who just bought a large one! Ugh! SMH.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I definitely take issue when certain people say “no one needs meat to live”. Everybody is different, and even our ancestry comes in to play in regards to what foods we thrive on.

      I hear ya on the Coke thing! I started drinking Coke and Sprite again not too long ago, and it quickly turned into the only thing I want to drink. Those darn bubbles! Haha.

      Liked by 1 person

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