I’m a lefty. I enjoyed smearing ink and graphite, letting my elbow hang out in the air while sitting at desks designed for right-handed peeps, jabbing my wrist on spiral bound notebooks, and even tying bows the wrong damn way. I like to think living in a world that wasn’t designed for my handedness turned me into a more adaptable and creative person. 😉
Happy Left-Handers Day, a day after the fact, to all of the hookers out there! If you don’t get this, you clearly aren’t a southpaw.
THE LEFTY’S LAMENT
One in 10 Americans, it seems,
Endures a similar plight and dread
Because the entitled majority screams
That we are just not “right” in the head.
But something is indeed not quite right
In this two-class system of bias
When Left-ist needs can be dismissed out of hand
In a tone right high-handed and pious.
See, our history is one marked by violence
Beaten by the rulers bar nun
Rapped on the knuckles as mere raw pupils
And scarred for write-handedness while young.
Lefties still face the language of slurs
We are what’s Left “-over” and Left “-behind”
The best are Left “-forgotten,” “-off the list”
Left “without a trace” and “for dead” every time.
Yet are we not all brothers in arms
Regardless of the preference?
Does our appendage orientation
Grant righties the right of deference?
Even Obama’s a pinko lefty
Come some calls landing hard from the right
But Bush One and Reagan count as southpaws, too
I jab with my left wing in this fight.
So now we are Left without a choice
To draft a form for the bereft
So herewith are our church-door theses
We shall call it The Bill of Lefts:
Today we demand the freedom to press
Our fingers onto left-handed desks
Because Ben Franklin was a lefty, too
And knew firsthand our printers’ laments.
We reserve the right to bear left arms
When gunning for our rights
Because Caesar was a southpaw, too
And knew, et tu, how friends betray in fights.
We must be left, too, to praise the prose
Of those who write with the “wrong” hand
Baldwin and Benchley and Welty wrote “south”
And Carroll fell into a full Wonderland.
The Left demands swift justice for slander
When left fingered by a right hand,
Darrow, Belli and Ginsburg defend from the left,
While Darwin and Newton take the stand.
Let not a sour note from the Right be struck
As Bowie sings our first-string tunes
Hendrix, McCartney and Cobain have strummed left
So forgive us how Tiny Tim croons.
Joan of Arc was fearless when raising her left
For this she was burned at the stake?
In her honor let us raise a peerless ale
Brewed by lefty Sam Adams in the States.
They say Left is prone to great flights of fancy
Well, Armstrong and Buzz spaced out best,
So let lefties stay out there, in their right minds
Chalk it up to Einstein’s (relative) success.
Then let the Left plant the freak flag of funny,
Let Ferrell and Fey punch lines in this fight
The biggest hits of stage and screen are southpawed
For our equity, read Miranda his rights.
So let us paint our world from this side
It’s Rembrandt, da Vinci and Durer with feeling
Rubens can counter those who’d reform us
Then hand Michelangelo our movement’s glass ceiling.
So we accept the world’s built for the Right
Cars to catcher’s mitts can spark some new crisis
But just know the southpaw has an inalienable right
To be entirely left to our own devices.