I think my primary care doc went AWOL, or the entire family health clinic got sucked into the 9th gate.  That medication refill I put in last week?  I didn’t get confirmation that it was received, and when I attempt to schedule an appointment/t-con either by doing it online or by calling the appointment line, there’s no appointment availability for as long as the current schedule calendar goes.  Not even with his PA.  After being put on hold multiple times, and talking to three different people, no one could tell me where my little doc has gone (or if he actually is gone).  It’s like being trapped on a holey raft while sharks are circling and vultures are picking at my eyeballs and other squishy bits.

I was hoping to get an urgent appointment, either today or tomorrow, so I can avoid further exposure to the ER if at all possible.  A PA from that department called me bright and early to let me know I’ve got an order for antibiotics waiting at the pharmacy.  Another UTI.  Maybe my urinary tract should be shellacked to prevent further infection.  My concern isn’t the UTI, so much as the giant, pulsating and painful mass in my rlq along with episodes of ejecting copious amounts of blood and mucous from the rear exit.  I don’t have an appendix anymore, so we can rule that one out (unless I’m having phantom appendix pains).  If you’re reading this, I’m sure you’re sufficiently grossed out by now.  I’d like to offer you a membership to my club!  If I’m appalled by it, I can only imagine how people with normal guts must feel.  Meetings at 8, byob.

I had an acute abdomen series done to check for obstruction and free air, which was negative, so whatever is going on is a little more obscure.  I’m inclined to write it off as a not immediately consequential Crohn’s thing and sit here squeezing a pillow to my belly to hold my guts in, but this pain feels more acute in nature and it’s getting worse as the hours pass.  About the only thing I can do is keep my mind occupied to prevent the pain from consuming my sanity completely, providing I’ve got any left.  I wonder.

I’m currently going down the world’s largest phone tree while attempting to contact my GI doc for advice, or at the very least, to figure out when the hell he plans to order the remicade so I can schedule my first infusion.  The hold music is awful.  It sounds like a nazi invasion theme song.  This shit needs to be taken care of soon.  If this continues, my poor kidneys will get butt-hurt again, just as my function was starting to normalize.  My Nephrologist told me if the trend continues, I should be off of dialysis by September!  But this shit.  UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGH!  I scream.

Speaking of ice cream, it was MC’s responsibility to go grocery shopping yesterday.  We’re out of most noshables, so it’s a good thing I have a large supply of broth since that’s all I can seem to tolerate.  That 10 pounds I spent months collecting sure went away in a hurry.  We’re out of laundry detergent, which makes de-stanking my shitfest clothing slightly more difficult as well.  The largest problem, however, is that I’m on my last roll of TP.  I’ve been averaging two rolls per day since this whole fucking thing started.  My ass is destroying the environment!  Save the planet!  Cure Crohn’s!  He left the house approximately 5 minutes before the store closed, because his adulting skills are about 10 steps below mine on weekends.  He grabbed only what he could carry, which didn’t include food or TP.  Bah!

He did stop at the class six that happens to be open three hours longer than the co-misery and bought me some 7-up and ginger ale.  Also two pints of B&J’s, and a bag of tortilla chips in consolation for the lack of OTHER food.  Where’s the barf face emoji?!  He’s a sweet guy, but sometimes I wonder about his brain.  When my stomach stops acting like a rocket launchpad, I’m going to murder that ice cream so hard.  The tortilla chips, on the other hand….corn is death.  I was going to stop there, but the word count was 666 and I’m a weeeeee bit superstitious.  Now we’re square.

Happy fucking Monday.

19 thoughts on “Purgatory

  1. How is it that I poy here in boonieville seem to have better messaging capabilities to my docs than you do? Did your pcm hop a ride on the meteor showers over the weekend? Aliens used it as a distraction and scooped them up? Can you call the tricare nurse? (I haven’t…..invariably I get told “you need to go to urgent care/ the ER” by the time I decide to seek advice. fk you guys, I have better medical knowledge)
    Wait…..MC works at the hospital right? Can he go jump on somebody’s head?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I like when the numbers 69 and 420 show up in my life, but I could care less about 666. If the devil wants me, he can have me. 🙂

    I think you’ve suffered enough, don’t you? Time to see the devil (I mean, doctor). Maybe you could skip the ER and just be admitted to the dungeon? I suggest you ask for a new medical device called the Oreo Butt Plug. They even come in different flavors:


    I’d just like to point out that I’m not the only one who thinks chocolate and mint should never go together:

    “Mint and chocolate are an abomination and should never be combined. Absolutely disgusting.” 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • I can’t die when there’s uneaten ice cream in the freezer, best to make sure all bases are covered. Dude, chocolate goes with EVERYTHING. But I hesitate to call oreos chocolate. I do love me some oreos regardless, especially the fat ones. Double stuft for twice the hydrogenated fat and omega 6’s! Swedish fish flavor though? Nasty AF. 😲

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Yikes, I hope the abx help your ileitis (sounds that way to me, without seeing you or having a Dr-Pt relationship). Tip that a Philapina nurse in Israel gave me after I started shitting down my leg: put a maxi pad in your underwear where it counts. Yuck, but then….

    God, your poor bunghole, doing two rolls a day!!! Do you use wet wipes? I like the Huggies unscented kind. Gentle on the squishy bits!

    Maybe you should phone your GI’s office and cry and say you’re feeling ABANDONED…buzzword for “Your ass is grass in a court of law.” Patient abandonment is grounds for legal action. Not necessary to mention that…they know it. Often sufficient to cause an appt slot to magically appear….

    Liked by 1 person

    • Go go gadget, traveling ass gasket! This didn’t start until after the colonoscopy. Think they knocked a gremlin loose?

      Does ileitis cause osmotic diarrhea? C diff A and B were tested for, but that was it. I doubt it’s a parasite, but who knows. Our water tastes of ass (don’t worry, I haven’t actually confirmed this). 😬

      Are you in Blowhio yet? Or still making your way that direction?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Dunno. I’m voting for Enterovirus, which does cause osmotic diarrhea, vomiting, fever, headache, and stiff neck. It’s very very very very common in the summer (polio is in the Enterovirus family, thus the summer epidemics and closed swimming pools), and it’s a very very, etc, common nosocomial infection. You could have picked that up at your colonoscopy appt, or anytime before or since then. Incubation is 3-5 days, duration is highly variable. In your case, it could cause all kinds of havoc. One subtype is Coxsackie Virus, which can cause little blisters on the hands and mouth (hand, foot, and mouth disease in children, but being a pediatrician I’ve had it a number of times myself 😠). Any of this ring a bell?

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Reading your post about ‘missing’ doctors is interesting. I’m in the UK where we have the NHS. Our TV shows your health service, when people can afford it, as being magical – doctors doing all they can and being on call for their patients – so it’s informative to hear a different side to it. I am trapped in a loop with a specialist. I see him, he tells me to get an appointment for 3 months time, I hand in his request, when I get the appointment it’s for 6 months time. When I see him, he berates me for not attending sooner. I explain. He writes an angry note on the next form, but again, I can’t get an appointment for 6 or more months. When I was very ill with an inflamed gallbladder, I had a 2 month wait to see a doctor on the NHS – I knew I was too ill, so I paid to see someone sooner. Within 3 weeks my gallbladder was gone, and analysis showed it was full of pus, rotten and I had sepsis – waiting on the NHS would have killed me. The Private care was amazing. But if I had got the same kinda care privately as I’ve had on the NHS, I would have gone ballistic. How you cope with ‘missing’ doctors, I have no idea.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m in a different healthcare system than most in the US because my husband is an active duty military member. I use army, navy, and air force hospitals. Some of them are alright, especially if you happen to have a leg blown off by a bomb, but for “normal” patients they do best with wellness visits. Fuck trying to get treatment when you’ve got a chronic illness, or a load of them. It sort of reminds me of an assembly line. A doctor patient relationship only exists in this setting if you’re extremely lucky. I had residents pull the straw with my name on it during one of my hospitalizations and bribe someone else to take my case instead. Acute illness cases are fun/exciting, because the patient is more likely to either die, which means they get more life-saving learning under their belts, or GTFO quicker so they don”t have to deal with them for very long. People like me? Eh, I’m fun, but they don’t think so. Plus, I get really stinky going on day 4.

      I think my way of coping is just that I have fewer shits to give (unless it happens to be actual shit – and then, well..). Death isn’t ideal, but luckily when I go to an emergency department, they HAVE to treat me, so that decreases my chances a little bit. Then I sign myself out AMA once the risk of kidney/bowel death has been reduced. This is mostly a case of me being on the verge of giving up – leave me alone, let me die here at home on my fluffy blankets, etc.

      I’m all for the idea of healthcare access for EVERYONE, like the NHS, but even since Obamacare (I’m not bashing it, I think it’s great – though it needs a ton of work) I’ve noticed it’s more and more difficult to get timely appointments, simply because there aren’t enough doctors and RN’s to keep up with the demand, now that thousands more people have insurance and wouldn’t have gotten help otherwise. This needs to be remedied, because lots more will end up worse off, and overall healthcare costs will go up. Gee, maybe the prez should have consulted with me first. 😉

      I haven’t tried instillagel, but I do have something called proctofoam HC, which has a numbing agent and a tiny hit of hydrocortisone to ease the swelling – it’s good stuff! Like an alpine vacation for my rear-end.

      Liked by 1 person

      • We have the same problem re: number of doctors/ nurses. However, because we’ve had a parallel system of private and public care for 70 years, the duel demands are dealt with: you can’t be a private doctor without working for the NHS. However, it’s getting the numbers of people into the NHS that’s the problem. Now the fees for university have gone up, it’s getting more and more difficult. When we had Blair as our PM, he pumped loads of money into the NHS and I have to say our emergency care has gotten a lot better since then. However, it’s the after care that’s gotten worse. I waited 3hrs for my appt. with ENT and spoke to my specialist for 7 minutes where he offered me an operation without explaining it to me. On the other hand, I’ve nearly died twice (gallbladder, pancreatitis 12 years later) and in the latter case, all on NHS, they would not let me go. If I get a warning of death – like cancer – I’d rather go in hospital. I don’t want my house haunted by death. I want the nurses to lie about how peaceful it was etc. If I ever had to take my own way, I’d go in a London park. Cover myself in bird seed first.

        Liked by 2 people

  5. And I thought I had a bad day. Dang girl! Don’t worry not TMI. My day was filled with cluster headaches followed by horrible migraines. But my guts stayed in. I’m sorry you are so miserable, I hope your dr isn’t AWOL much longer. And everything else you need. We don’t want your kidney function to fall. Pulling for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh man, Wendy! I get plain old migraines, and I think they’re just about the worst thing ever. At least with my other shit (ha ha!), I can somewhat function. I have a friend who gets cluster migraines, and I don’t know how either one of you deals with that! My sympathies. And thank you, we got it all (sort of) squared away. I hope your head is feeling a little less explosive now. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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