Facts: Thinking Is Not Sleeping, Death Is Not Temporary

Manchild wanted to take me back to the ER this evening, but I told him I can’t go anywhere until I shower, and I don’t intend to shower, so there’s his answer.

He asked me whhhhhhy, and I said becaaaaaause.

They’ll try to admit me again, and I’m afraid of that happening.  Why?  Because I’d rather die.  Being that way is likely to get me shipped up to the 7th floor where they don’t let you have shoelaces.  If I admit to refusing treatment or medical recommendations, then they automatically have a problem with me.

I don’t know if my head is in the right place to be making decisions, but I also don’t feel sad or depressed.  So why do I want my life to end?  Why am I facilitating the death?  Short answer: exhaustion.  Long answer is too complicated for my gabapentin riddled brain, and middle finger to put into words.

More on this later.  Maybe. 

15 thoughts on “Facts: Thinking Is Not Sleeping, Death Is Not Temporary

  1. Decisions, decisions. Makes you wish that someone would just tell you what to do. I’m glad your hubby will be with you. Can’t he help you keep the wolves on the 7th floor at bay?

    I was just thinking about doing a post about how exhausted I am. Maybe it’s the heat. Maybe it’s not enough sleep. (Maybe I’m just really, really old.) But it kinda feels like the exhaustion you feel when you’re sad. Just sad and tired. Why is everything such a fucking effort? Why can’t anything be easy?

    I was also just thinking about mushrooms, as I’ve been taking some mushroom photos lately. Makes me think about hallucinating, which I’ve never done. Even when I was awake for almost a week during detox, I didn’t hallucinate. I don’t think I would like hallucinating. (But I do love mushrooms.) If you want to share, what’s it like? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Life is bitch! Dees all you need to know! I don’t know what accent I was hoping to mimic there, so use your imagination.

    Mushrooms…oh man…it has been so long! I remember the LSD more vividly, but I don’t endorse that one at all. Mushrooms are a softer, warmer, more “organic” experience. The world turns into your own personal canvas – and you can paint it any way you like. Different strains yield different experiences, much like MJ. “Golden teachers” aka GT’s were nice 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think a lot more people yearn for the end due to exhaustion than for any other reason. Its easy for someone not going through all you’re stuck with to wonder why or what would push a person that far; to rather that being the alternative to more tests, more doctors, just…. more of it all. Stay strong, it’s cliche but there’s always light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes we just don’t feel like we’ll make it there. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yup. Sometimes I need to check out and say ‘fuck it’ just to get a little peace upstairs. It’s just bizarre to me that I’m relatively happy, yet don’t really care if I croak. Seems like a paradox.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I get it. I’m sort of in the same place. After my labs 2 weeks ago, I did some research and decided with the two numbers they were flipping out about, it might be worth cooperating so I just got my labs redrawn yesterday. If it’s what they’re freaking out about I dunno what I’m going to do. (Was that vague enough? lol!) But it may involve refusing chemo.
    Oh! And Johanna’s right….you need music!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh man, nooooo! If I had to decide between chemo or kale smoothies, I’d choose “or”. But seriously, I don’t know that I’d do chemo either if I were faced with that decision. I hope it was a fluke. And now I’m curious what it is!

      I’ve been doing the Billy Joel and Elton John thing today. It’s aural goodness.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’ll keep you posted. 😉 I was tempted to pick your brain today, but there’s not much to guess at just yet. *But* if I had to guess, I’d say my doc’s looking at muscle damage or disease (seriously? I have an artificial hip AND I fell down the stairs again in May =P), liver disease, or bone disease (see the hip thing). It may be a fluke….like I said, I’ll keep you posted!

        Oh! And yay for Billy Joel & Elton John. Good stuff!

        Liked by 1 person

        • ALT is the only hepatic enzyme found almost exclusively in the liver. AST/ALP can come from any body tissue, to include muscle, bone, intestines, and even the brain. So you’re right, it’s a crapshoot.

          If your ALT is elevated in addition to one or both of the others, it’s more likely that the liver is the point of origin. If ALT is normal, but the others are elevated, then looking at other structures is probably more prudent.

          Creatine Kinase is a decent measure of muscle health – if that’s elevated, it means there’s increased breakdown of muscle tissue. This has happened to me a couple of times, but it’s usually as a result of metabolic acidosis and reverses pretty fast with fluids/bicarb. If your muscles burn, like they’re full of lactic acid, then it could be this.

          I’ve got my fingers crossed that you don’t end up with another frickin’ problem. We’ve got all of the problems we need! No mas!


          • My ALT was 68 August 3, but my ALP was 118. CO2 was low, and my anion gap was high….but only by 1. And I’m still anemic, but not as much as I was in April. I still think some of my levels are screwy because of the way I fell in May (3-4 steps down, chest first into my bannister….lots o’ bruising). She ordered a hepatic function panel, GGT, CK, and iron.
            I see my neuro next week too and my pain doc said to ask for another EEG. Oh yay.
            I know….thank you. And I worry about you too. We don’t need more crap.

            Liked by 1 person

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