Have Mercy, Mercury!

I was added to an email subscription for notifications from Goddess Provisions, likely because I was subscribed to the Vegan Cuts snack box before they jacked up the price.  I’m too lazy to unsubscribe, so I let the spam take over.  Crystals are pretty, but they don’t actually do anything.  You know this, right?  They won’t cure the plague, fix a broken relationship, or keep bad shit from happening unless you use these crystals to make lasers that will destroy all of your mortal enemies.

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Deepholm is full of pretties!

This email was to inform me that Mercury is about to retrograde beginning on August 30th and they’re selling a kit to help people survive the occasion.  Astrologists would like you to believe that the cosmic dust Mercury, Venus, and Mars (never have surgery while Mars is in retrograde or you will effin’ die!  To death!) kick up while zooming past the Earth will cause all sorts of badness to happen until the retrograde period passes.  There’s not much you can do besides hide out in your bunker like a naked mole rat and wait for it to end.

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Sup, you sexy beast?

Or, you could be a person who isn’t a moron and keep living your cursed, shitty life normally.  The Universe doesn’t give enough fucks, or any fucks at all, to worry about screwing with the little people of Earth, although I do enjoy blaming the Universe for everything that’s wrong in my life because we all need a scapegoat…or should I say spacegoat?

mercury-retrograde

I’m a cancer and I fit the description of a cancer perfectly.  I’m emotional, intuitive, empathic, and I love to brood.  I’m an emotional-thinker, and I can also be a crab.  The only people who strongly dislike me are Virgos (mother in-law, sister in-law, and ex-friend).  The fact that my husband is a Scorpio and is allegedly one of my best astrological matches is pure coincidence.  Astrology is fun, but it’s also complete bullshit (sorry).

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Please take a moment to laugh at “nicer than everyone else”

I firmly believe that negative shit happening that’s outside of my control just happens because that’s life.  There is no hidden meaning or reason.  If I eat a bean burrito and end up in the hospital with an obstruction, burritos being insanely delicious is to blame.  If my ovary randomly explodes, well, shit happens.  I didn’t have any control over that.  If my car gets rear-ended at a traffic light, it’s not because Mercury is in retrograde.  It’s because the driver behind me is a fucking idiot and was trying to text while driving.

If I ever say my illness is a test or part of some divine plan, please whack me in the back of the head with a large, blunt object.  Some people find comfort in faith, but not me.  Would it be nice to believe that there’s more to my being than biological machinery and firing synapses?  Am I slightly jealous of people with a structured belief in a higher power/entity?  Certainly, but that’s just not my reality.

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Audrey Hepburn is not amused by Planetary Retrogrades (best internet image of the week!)

21 thoughts on “Have Mercy, Mercury!

  1. Hahahahaha…. I’m a virgo and I wuv you! I say it that way because it’s soooooo out of character (for me and my ‘sign’). Speaking as someone also in a smooshy relationship with a scorpio, maybe that’s why we relate so well? I completely agree, star signs, retrograde-iness…. it’s all whooie and balderdash, but if it occupies people and makes em feel better to have something to blame/believe in who am I to judge.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Exaaaaactly! I try not to get too nasty with my knee jerk opinions, but sometimes I can’t help myself. Venus makes me self-absorbed. All of the mentioned Virgos are just straight up beeotches. You, my friend, are awesome. No astrological clashing going on here. 😉

      My emotional attachment to other humans can be a little intimidating for them, especially if they aren’t used to that sort of thing. Tough titties, they can deal with it! 😀

      Liked by 2 people

  2. It’s easy to see why astrology is a crock of shit — you can prove it wrong time and time again. I say this as another Virgo who apparently, out of character, also happens to be friends with you, a Cancer. By the way, I also fit your meme for Cancer characteristics (at least I’d like to think so). Except, of course, for the “nicer than everyone else.” Because as a Virgo, I can also claim the label of beeotch (but I would spell it correctly). 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ll take any bad word out there to describe some of the women in the family I married into. Bitch is sort of universal….today, I’m a bitch too. 🙂

      His grandmother is cool (she’s a September baby), so if I were to guess, I’d just say that his Mom and sister have chronic rabies.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Three Virgos in a row! What are the odds? (good, apparently)
      Audrey is one of my absolute favorite golden age actresses…she’s (was) 100% girlish class! I think Sabrina is my favorite. There’s something about movies from that era that just make me feel warm and fuzzy.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh no you mean I found a movie person who gets it
        wow I usually have to force feed someone about my movie obsession
        But now I get to talk to you
        No way
        I knew there was something hidden that I wasn’t seein
        Fancy that a movie girl
        Well bust my buttons and call me Shirley
        Let’s dance
        Last one around my base is it
        5, 10, 15, 20
        As always Sheldon

        Liked by 1 person

  3. My magic stars are better than your invisible guy on a cloud?
    I’m a Scorpio and lawd, I am *all* Scorpio. Buuuuut, yeah, I’m just gonna go with I believe in balance. And it is what it is.
    I have the constellations for my kids tattooed down my left arm, but that basically started because my oldest’s middle name is Star (didn’t you say yesterday I’m a hippie?)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ha! My best friend (Wendi) is a Scorpio too. I think stronger personalities are attracted to the quiet reflective weirdo type. It’s sort of like refuge/protection from the normal world as they know it.

      I believe in Karma to a point, in that if a person projects enough negativity into the world, it’s bound to be paid back to them eventually. That’s just the way it works. It’s impossible to be an asshole all of the time without someone being an even bigger asshole back. The same works in reverse. Spread kindness, and that’ll make it’s way back around. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      • Yep. Buddhism in a nutshell. I used to go to church, baptised in the river and all that, but now the only God I follow is on FB (and insta).
        Hubs is a Sagittarius. He’s supposed to be a fire sign, I’m a water sign. Whatever. But we could not be more opposite. I’m more inclined to believe in birth order.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Ahem. Sun signs are not all that significant, in the astrological “big picture.” So all the Virgos here have totally different natal charts, even if they were twins, because seconds count.

    If you think about it for a moment, you’ll realize that when the moon is full, the high tides are higher, and vice versa when the moon is new. Thus, if your sun is in Virgo, your moon in Cancer and your Venus in Pisces, you’re going to have a much different personality than another Virgo with planets in different constellations.

    Add to that, that there are twelve Houses that all of this moves through, and things get much more “real” than simple sun signs.

    (I learned this while doing a radio show with my best friend, a professional astrologer, for four long years, without any weed!)

    Liked by 1 person

      • Poor little guys are as marginalized as the noble platypus. Or the spiny anteater/echidna. There’s no way some of these things weren’t planted here by aliens. Maybe humans? We don’t really fit.

        Like

      • Ut-oh, I’m a Snake….one of us is going to get bitten! My view from here is that every major society in known history has had some form of concept of astrology. When I was in India I had a reading with an Ayurvedic astrologer. Very interesting. He gave me a perspective on my illness and other things that was worthy of thought. I also broke a rule and asked him when my natural life would end. It correlated with what I thought privately. He also told me that my health would improve for a few years and then rapidly decline, which turned out to be correct.

        When my son was five, he had already given me such a hard time that I consulted an astrologer. She wrote out 18 pages of his natal chart by hand, progressed through his 20’s, and summed up, “If he lives through his teens, he’s going to be a global leader in his field.” Which he did, due to my refusal to let him die, and he is now a global leader in his field. She didn’t tell me he was going to turn out to be a schmuck, though.

        I hope you know I’m playing devil’s advocate here…shoulda been a lawyer 😜

        Liked by 1 person

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