Denali NP, 2007

I could complain about pain and say that’s why I’m not sleeping, which may be a portion of it, but the real issue here is the anxiety.  I’m wound up tighter than a drum.  My mind has been in a very strange place for most of the month.  It almost feels as though I’m dissociating.  It’s likely given that’s how I tend to deal with periods of high stress.  It’s better if it’s happening to “someone else” rather than to me.  I don’t know if this is an advantageous survival skill, or if it’ll come back to bite me at some point.

It’s still hotter than hell during the day, but the humidity levels are dipping.  My phone and computer apply the blue filter around 7:00pm instead of after 8:00pm.  Night time temperatures are dropping down in the lower 60’s, which means the A/C isn’t running constantly anymore.  All signs that summer is coming to a close (YES YES YES!!!!).

More than the obvious signs, it’s a feeling I get in the pit of my stomach.  A cross between excitement and sadness.

I can’t stand the heat, the sun gives me migraines, but I also don’t like the darkness of winter.  I do enjoy the freezing cold because almost every issue I have from A to Z tends to improve.  I gain a ton of weight because it’s what fluffy city critters do.  We hole up in our little caves and eat way too many potatoes, drink way too much wine, and enjoy every damn minute of it.  Everything goes into hibernation, including my sometimes obnoxious optimism.  Winter makes me emo, and by the end of winter when spring pops up, I find myself brow-deep in some sort of swampy philosophical major depressive crisis that coincides with one of my conditions waking up from its slumber, followed by an overwhelming desire to choke to death on an avocado.  I eat so many avocados, I assume one will be involved in my death somehow.  Such a duplicitous fruit!

At least shit is predictable, even if it ain’t easy.

I need to turn this cycle on its head.  The words “quit” and “give up” need to be tossed out of my vocabulary.  I have one job, to take care of myself, and I’m failing.  I just don’t care anymore.  This needs to be remedied.  If not for me, then for the people I love.  I may feel my life is finished and I may feel comfortable letting go (I think this is a good thing, but I’ve also admitted to my head being in a fucked up place), but there are others who aren’t ready to see me go yet.  I owe it to them to give them several more years of me being a pain in their asses.


We’ll call it a work in progress, and as long as there’s still progress, my work isn’t done.



11 thoughts on “Ennui

  1. I don’t care what the shrinks say, disassociation is an amazing survival skill and its bitching when its in full swing! You can cope with virtually anything! And I get the winter thing too … we’re just coming out of winter … and hibernation … and the intense pressure to be ‘out there’ is returning … groan … It saying all that … its not surprising your feeling ‘off’ and anxious! You got a shitload of stuff to deal with wonder woman! Honestly I don’t know how the fuck you do it! Take a bow, have a wine and one of those tubs of nutella with a tonne of animal crackers 🙂 xo

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I understand that cycle all too well. I love cool fall crisp air, where wearing a sweater and jeans is actually comfortable and not a cause for heat stroke but I know it means that the dead of winter is on its way and my head is on it’s way to a pit of despair by December. I think the fact that you naturally disassociate is totally an appropriate survival skill, but I think you still need some tethers hooked up so that you stay attached to real life. Finding a balance might be hard, but it’ll be worthwhile for both you and those around you that aren’t ready to lose you any time soon.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I get it. I’m in a weird place too. Got my test results….more info in a few days. But when I’m thinking biopsies and possibly surgery are in my future, I go hide in my music and my coloring.
    Breathe, deal with what cha gotta right then and there and let the rest figure itself out. (me’s right….survival skills ftw)

    Liked by 4 people

      • Yeah…..you inspire me!!
        I was half tempted to pick your brain but you have more than enough on your plate right now, and I can *do* some research!!
        Basically, the numbers are pointing at a bile duct obstruction (lower possibility), given my history …autoimmune hepatitis is a very real possibility, OR frickin another tumor. Because my brain tumor needs a buddy? Yeah, sorry bud….ain’t gonna work. He’ll be getting kicked out.
        Stupid organs. Yours are picking on you. Mine are picking on me. Wanna dance naked in the moonlight just to hedge our bets? (giggles)

        The hugs thing works both ways! you ain’t so far away, and I’m here if you need me. Add me on FB? (If you want….:*)

        Liked by 2 people

        • Hmm, let’s hope for AIH (ha, this sounds ridiculous). If it’s bile obstruction, you’d be feeling it. That’s a pretty unmistakable kind of colicky pain, usually after eating. If your ANA and Anti-SMA’s are positive, then it’s pretty indicative of that. Cancer isn’t an option. I won’t allow this. 😉

          I’ve heard nightmare stories about liver biopsies being the worst, most painful thing ever, but I think the worst part for me was when the needle was inserted with the local anesthetic, second to the anticipation of how much it was going to hurt (it didn’t hurt nearly as much as I thought it would). I was sore for a couple of days after, but no liver on fire, severe bleeding, or other stuff.

          I can’t find you. I had your email address once upon a time, but I can’t find that either. Bah.

          Liked by 1 person

          • I’m kinda thinking AIH actually. My ALT & AST were high, but they’ve dropped pretty significantly in the past 2 weeks. (Still just a pinch high) But my GGT is very high. Everything else is good. Kidneys are functioning great. Bili is good. This is out of my area of expertise, but I know you know this stuff. Talked to my mom last night. Told her not to come for a biopsy, but she *will* come for surgery. (I’m an only, nothing I can do about it.)
            Email: misscris-at-gmail or FB/xunae
            How’re you? I’m here for you too! *Hugs*

            Liked by 1 person

  4. I don’t think I’ve ever used the word “ennui,” but… I feel ennui at some point every day. However, I don’t feel like I owe anyone anything. And I have to say, that’s a nice feeling. And yet…

    It must be nice to know that so many people love you. Relationships take two, which means you have to try, too. I’m so glad you’re willing to keep working. So fucking glad. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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