Beast of Burden Grinds Her Gears

The Universe doesn’t want us to be happy.  If it notices we’re settling into a routine and seem to be handling our adversity with relative ease, it’s time to do a quick sweep under your feet that’ll knock you directly on your ass, possibly knocking the wind out of you at the same time.

My body is unpredictable and knowing this means I’m never surprised when something else goes wrong.  Being realistic and knowing I’ll probably never be “normal” again (as if I ever was!) helps me let go of some of the disappointment.  Thanks to MC, we live a comfortable life unless he goes on a drunken shopping spree, then I have to do damage control on the bank accounts.  At least with his job we could make plans and have some sort of an idea of what the future might look like.

Universe says:”Fuck you! *whoosh*”

I’ve been a complete mess for a month since we found out that major surgery was necessary to correct something in MC that has the potential to be fatal in the not-so-distant future.  Even worse after the first attempt was royally fucked.  My biggest fear is that he won’t survive the next attempt.  What happened to him happens in less than 1% of patients, and the actual surgery has a 1% chance of death.  In that 1%, it happens 100% of the time.  That’s not a comforting way to look at it, but at this point I think the worst and hope to be pleasantly surprised when I’m wrong.

Providing he does survive surgery, recovery is going to be impossibly difficult for him.  I already know this because of how badly he’s reacting to what was actually very minor surgery by comparison; a small incision in his arm (similar to the one I got when my AV fistula was created), and the spot on his neck where they tried to insert the catheter (which I’ve also had, minus the massive fuck up!).  I’d do it for him if I could, but I can’t.

He said he doesn’t know how I handle it, after he was given the unfortunate ability to empathize.  I don’t know either.  I just do.  The difference between the two of us is that I’ve never been discharged with a bottle of hydromorphone, so apparently I internalize my pain way better than he does.  When he says he’s in pain, they believe it and they over-treat it.  When I say I’m in pain, they give me Tylenol.  I wish I had some sage advice for him on how to be more zen when his body is burning in hellfire, but I don’t.

He’s the sole income provider and there’s a lot of financial stuff that scares the shit out of me because I’m the bill payer/accountant.  We were on a 8 year plan to pay off debt, for him to finish his job training and obtain the appropriate certifications to be employable on the outside, and to figure out where we want to land when we’re “free”.  I really wasn’t planning on living with his parents.  I think I’d light myself on fire before I’d agree to that.  We see how well I’m coping after one month of being with his family….just imagine after 6 months, a year, 5 years, a decade.

Between me sick, normal person sick, and a fucking uterus that faked me out initially then decided to be a big dumb whore, I’ve felt like a worthless piece of shit for the entire month.  I’m feeling guilty that I can’t take care of him as well as I’d like and that I’m not 100% self-sufficient.  I feel like being with them is an unnecessary burden and that I can’t do what I need to do in order to care for myself because what’s wrong with me doesn’t have as high of a mortality rate (with the exception of this recent bout of major depression – death fantasies are fun).  At least, not as quick of a death as compared to what’s wrong with him.

When I’m asked how I am or how I’m feeling, I default to “I’m okay”.  The truth is, I feel like I’m drowning.  I don’t think I have to right to be in pain or feel like shit or mention how I’m feeling, even though nothing has changed on my side.  All of a sudden, my suffering is no longer valid and won’t be acknowledged as something I can’t control, rather it’s something I’m not trying hard enough to fix or ignore.  I know that’s bullshit.  I do have a very strong sense of rationale, but outside influences weigh heavily on my ability to accept myself as I am.  It’s me against many and my walls are weak.

My daily schedule until 10/2: Wake up, cry.  Go to the bathroom, cry.

Visit with other humans.  Go to the bathroom, cry. Repeat x >20 times.

Go to bed, cry until I fall asleep.

It’s all stupid, but those are emotions for you.  At least I have two and half more days of peace before I have to dive back into the piranha tank.



15 thoughts on “Beast of Burden Grinds Her Gears

    • Writing about it helps, though it may be unpleasant for other people to read. 😉 I’m usually decent about balancing the whining out with funnies, but life is totally kicking my ass 20 different ways.

      I’m trying to get in touch with my old psych quack from 2002 and have several back-ups just in case he’s no longer practicing. I try to avoid anti-depressants unless I really need them because they make me complacent and robotic, which is exactly what I need right now since the time for advocacy seems to be over (for now). MC is taken care of. I can float along with the rest of the fake-happy people. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I feel you Kara
    I know how it feels to lose control
    Having to swallow hard when you know you can’t
    I have to pick and get up when you know you can’t
    Feel your pain
    I wish I had more to give
    But I’m on over load
    Big hugs
    And much light

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know you’re hurting. And I know you’re scared. But you are not alone (clearly! 😉 )
    I have “ana’laigh” tattooed on my left forearm on purpose. Gaelic for breathe. Because when I’m in overload and I can’t breathe, I have a visual reminder that I have so far survived 100% of my worst days. MC had his 1% thing. It’s over, now he can kick ass on the big surgery. And he will. And in a year everything will be back to irritatingly “normal”.
    My 1% story? Jacksonville tried to kill me. A domino chain that happens to 1% of patients. I lived. Went on to have 1 more kid and then the biggest surgery so far (my hip) and kicked ass on that. I was my PT Nazi’s prize patient. And that’s where you guys are now. Effed up 1% thing: check. Now it’s time to kick ass.
    (And you can be scared and frustrated and hurting. Ish okay! *hugs*)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve been skipping around through Gender Medicine, and there’s a chapter titled “Men: The weaker sex?” Short answer, yes they are. Biologically, anyhow. He’s doing worse since his parents took over and I don’t know if that’s just the progression of his ‘disease’ or if it’s psychological. Maybe a combo. I guess what I’m trying to say is I worry about him because he’s not very resilient…or adaptable. A case of the sniffles would put him out of commission for a couple of weeks – you’d think he was dying. He’s in better hands now, at least.

      Thanks for listening to me bitch this past week….you’re awesome! ❤


  3. 😦 dude, serious time … please don’t go live with the in-laws … i beg of you, Noooooo! The rest of it you have every right to feel, be, do, say … Jeeezus … you’ve had a look at all the shit (pardon the pun 😉 ) you have to deal with ay … i don’t know anyone that handles it like you do … i know a lot of whiners, who are more interested in whining than dealing with their shit. Cry that shit out gf … eat some peanut ice cream thingy … and some pickles!!! You dah man!!! Give yourself a massive fucking hi five and take a big deep breath …… xxoo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ahh, the percentage game. Let’s hope the percentage game is on your side, and he’s been his unlucky 1%. This may sound stupid, but at least you can still feel: the worst depression (death fantasy depression) as you know, is the one where you can’t feel. You can still function if you feel. And you still have someone to function for, even if he does have twunts for parents. x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I agree that writing about it helps. Some days are worse than others… the slow ones in particular that just seem to drag emotional pain and emptiness back and forth. I hope that even if for only brief moments you are able to enjoy some of the time you have left to yourself. Know that to the people who care about you, you mean the world and even if you can’t see it or feel it a lot of the worthlessness you feel is in your head. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Kara, I’m sorry that you’re going through all of this (like you weren’t in enough pain and ill health already!). Please keep the HOPE alive, believe that things will get better. I had to start taking anti-depressants again, and even with them I can write silly stories and feel enough. They’re my life savers. Sometimes, I think I feel too much. Psychopaths have it easy in that respect. I could never live with my mother in law she hates my guts (it’s not personal, but John is her Man Child) and John’s sister has been hostile to me from day one…I don’t know why. You might like the dvd box set The Black Mirror and Persons of Interest on Netflix (my favourite show!)
    contact @
    Love to You my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Lady. I have bad days, and some decent ones. This will all pass eventually (I’m completely on board with going on anti-depressants for a while) and everything will go back to ‘normal’ – like me bitching about his dirty laundry piling up to the ceiling and all of that fun stuff.

      Oh my goodness, how can anyone hate you? If you were any sweeter, you’d give me diabetes! I mean that as a compliment, obviously. lol I bet you’ve got a sassy streak too, though!

      It’s odd. All of the female friends I have, and even myself, aren’t overprotected or treated like children now that we’re adults. I think some ‘boys’ are raised to be taken care of by their future mate/wife/second Mom. I put a stop to that one after I realized what I was doing. His Mom is ignorant, and his sister is an idiot with a PhD, neither of them like me. To be fair, we have a pretty colorful history. They knew me way before my mouth had a filter. I told them (explicitly) how I felt about them before I was even old enough to drive. Hey, at least I got that out of the way early on. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      • I take Citalopram, works great for me. I hope you find a good one.
        Ah, thanks Kara, I try to be kind to others. I was the middle child left pretty much to myself and had to work it all out by myself, I ‘mothered’ my own mother even when I was very young (she went through trauma as a child and is damaged still). I can’t understand why some mothers don’t let go of their boys…I mean, they married someone elses boy too, they should be more understanding! You’re a good person too, I wish MC’s mother was nicer to you. xo

        Liked by 1 person

  7. All of your feelings are valid.
    You are going through a really rough time.
    It isn’t fair that your circumstances need to be pushed aside because it isn’t “as bad” as his. You are still suffering. Unfortunately the only person who is going to really take care of you right now is you.
    Financial worries are normal right now.
    The what if’s are also normal.
    The fear is normal.
    If you didn’t feel these things something would be wrong with you.
    I hope you can a professional to reach out to, it can make a difference.
    my therapist is always telling me how wonderful I am. I’m starting to believe her. That might be scary.

    Liked by 1 person

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