Double Doodie

Pitty potty, bowl of one – your seat is ready!  Awe, crap.

I did it again.  I figuratively busted ass for a 24 hour later return to hell.  By the time I had showered Friday afternoon, I didn’t feel like moving.  I couldn’t get a straight answer out of manchild as to when he wanted my company.  I was operating under the assumption that his spawners would be spending the weekend out at the other house, but only if I was in suburban hell to look after him.  This is what I was told when I left Thursday.

Friday night, they were still here.  They were going to leave first thing in the morning Saturday until Harpy picked a fight with FIL over something completely stupid.  They didn’t leave until 2pm Saturday, then were back by 5 to take us to dinner at his grandmother’s house.  There’s a reason I feed myself.  That which is safe for my consumption is not offered by normal eaters.

I made a mountain out of mashed potatoes and peas, then had a tiny serving of chicken noodles.  I skipped the salad, rolls, and dessert (cake or pie).  I didn’t want to skip the cake, but I also didn’t want to push my luck with the glutenous goodies.  It was very recently that I decided to try a wheat-free and mostly grain-free diet in earnest and found that my gut is much less angry this way.

The only problem is any amount of wheat seems to be too much.  Potatoes are okay, except for being rich in K+ (not good when one has severe renal insufficiency), which isn’t a problem if I’m blowing it out of my chute 15 times a day.  Peas are a big NO, but it’s fun to chase them around the plate.  Being wheat-free means fewer blowouts, which means a bigger risk of cardiac arrhythmia from hyperkalemia if I’m not careful.  Since starting dialysis, it hasn’t been a problem but the potential is there.  Particularly if I decide dialysis is optional rather than a necessity.  It does happen from time to time because I’m a noncompliant idiot.  Anyhoo, since I ate noodles that would surely make me doubly doodie, I decided it was safe to eat potato mountain.  Maybe I willed it to happen or maybe I just know what’s going to make my innards do backflips.  Hello toilet, my old friend.

Much of earrrly Sunday morning, afternoon and evening were spent purging the poison in my bowels.  Thank goodness for predictability, eh?

Today is Halloween.  Happy Halloween!  I shall be spending the day in bed because today my BRAIN feels as though it has been poisoned.  Remember, all Halloween candy goes on sale tomorrow and whatever’s left the next week will be at least 75% off!  I’m excited.

9 thoughts on “Double Doodie

  1. This is way too Fellini-oid. I hope you’re taking notes so that when it’s over you can write it up, sell it as fiction and buy one of those automatic toilets that sprays your ass with warm water and blows it gently dry. I had one of those, or the use of it, anyway. $5,000 for a new but discontinued model. I never quite trusted the bidet part, prefer the hand held spray type we used in Israel. But much better than the truly “hand powered” methods I encountered in India….ugh!

    Damn gluten. I slipped up a few days ago while eating in a restaurant and have been paying for it ever since. OK, guts, you can calm down now, it’s gone and I promise I will be even more vigilant in the future!!!!

    I’m sending you hugs and good juju, and that’s all I have, if you don’t count the fact that I am awestruck by the sea of the absurd in which you are paddling around.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m outta here for a few after tomorrow. Haircut, candy binges, sleeping in ’til noon. All good stuff, minus the haircutting. I hate to leave him here alone with bitchface, but I also like my brain where it is rather than being splattered on a wall. I think I’m beginning to find my rhythm. Took long enough… only two months to go until I’m freeeeee!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I miss being gluten free :S I too experience lessened symptoms. Alas until the scope nonsense is done I’ve been told to keep a ‘varied’ diet. Which pretty much means twice a week I eat what everyone else eats….and the rest of the time its fluids and life on “the throne” in recovery from all that normal food. That being said I do have to admit I am slightly excited that my spawns are going to come in handy this evening. No need to buy any on sale candy…they are going to be bringing home three big bags of it Mwahaha! I hope you manage to enjoy yourself some treats as well, there’s quite a few grain free goodies around this time of year ๐Ÿ˜› I know for a fact that candy corn doesn’t show up in poop…. I checked.

    Liked by 1 person

      • I am a great believer in parental candy tax! Though I have to say we all get months worth of munching on what the kids bring home that one night. There’s only a short few years the kids are young enough for grown ups to control the treats, soon enough they’ll be like the rest of em, eating it all in one go and we’ll be picking up a box ourselves from the store. To be fair though, I’d probably be willing to part with a good chunk of my candy for a sweet pair of fuzzy socks ๐Ÿ˜›

        Liked by 1 person

      • There’s a dispensary here in NM that’s been making cannabis suppositories for years. There are plenty of medical cannabis patients who cannot tolerate the other ways in which the plant is used. People who can’t smoke or vape use edibles. Those who have cranky digestive systems use patches or liquids. Big Pharma really messed up when it allowed the medical cannabis industry to grow in this country. So many different choices from just swallowing a pill. ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Right now, my sister is having a super fun time getting to know her Russian boyfriends non-English speaking mother. We will now refer to her as the spawner thanks to you. You have made my sisters day with your wordy goodness. Thank you ๐Ÿ˜€ (and i hope your insides feel less explodey again in time for sale sweeties!) x

    Liked by 2 people

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