Winter Blahs

When I bring my mother with me to appointments I don’t say much of anything because she talks NON-STOP.  In this case, she talked about what a miserable beast I am.  How nice of her.  She must be tired of my furled eyebrows (“you’ll get wrinkles!”) and the sound effects I make when moving a certain way sends me into the incinerator.  It really does suck and I’m sure watching a person exist in constant severe pain isn’t fun either.  We’re empathetic creatures.  The first few weeks following MC’s surgery almost killed my tear ducts.  I couldn’t stand seeing him like that.

I’ve added hydromorphone to my personal pharmacy to take at night before bed and on the superbad days.  Here’s the problem – it makes me extremely irritable, instigates headaches, and makes my gallbladder scream.  It does work better than my old standby on the back and gut pain, so it has that going for it (and that’s why it was prescribed).  The feeling of the stars aligning and slappy-happy-good times that some people get when taking opioids doesn’t happen to me.  I just want to rip someone’s head off or cry.  When I get it through an IV, these side effects don’t happen.  What’s up with that?  It’s the same drug.  I guess when taken orally, it’s not as badass.

It’s the icing on my shit cake of depression.  I’ve had some moments recently where the only thing I can think is that it’s over.  I’m done.  Nothing left to do, see, or be except a flat line.  There hasn’t been anything abnormally bothersome leading up to it (disregarding, I dunno, the shit show ferris wheel of FML that I’ve been riding on for four months), it just happens.  There aren’t even any other demeaning thoughts (“I’m worthless, I suck, I’m a burden”, etc) to go along with it.  Just an overwhelming feeling that this is the end of the line (ride) for me.  It’s bizarre.  I blame the drugs.  I suppose it’s of no consequence because I’m too tired to murder myself.

I did start working on fancy stitches.  Something called a chevron flame stitch.  I finished up the first block of it a half hour ago (I wonder why I’m tired?) and I’m missing one stitch.  Damn it all.  


11 thoughts on “Winter Blahs

  1. When you get drugs through an IV, they don’t go through your digestive system, so there are different side effects. Maybe you should try snorting it? (You know I’m kidding, right?) (Seriously, I’m kidding, don’t snort it.) πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Morphine trigger headaches for me too, though I never noticed more irritability..Opiates just don’t seem to do much in general, unless I take enough that I’m pretty much a drooling dope like most people after dental surgery. I do find that long term use of them or heck just the short term messing around with all of the different kinds the doctor has done has really fucked with my dopamine/serotonin levels that were already way off, not to mention what ever other meds are messing with it all. I rely heavily on the green stuff lately to get me through the worst of the mental fucktitudes and I can say for certain that I handle my moms evening phone calls a whole lot better. I’d say now might be the time to discuss with one of the docs taking something to help with the winter blues, but messing with that takes time and energy and it seems like in general you’re still far from the danger zone. I do hope its just this time of year playing its nasty tricks on top of the extra stress you’ve been under, either way I hope you take care.

    Liked by 2 people

    • When I broke my ankle, the doctor looked at me like I’ve got two heads when I told him I hate Vicodin because it turns me hulkish. I guess that’s not something he hears very often. I’ll take them because it’s way better than the pain, but I feel bad for people who have to live with me. 😊


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