I’d like to be someone else for a while.  Not just anyone, though.  Someone who doesn’t suck.

This week was pretty typical in terms of life as a mutant.  I was diagnosed with a heart thing (that I’ll elaborate on later when my brain isn’t porridge) and learned of the possibility that I may not have health insurance in six months.  Oh well, right?  It’s not like I’m itching to live any longer than I have to anyhow.  MC said if he were me, he would have offed himself a long time ago.  How nice for him.  If I didn’t think about people other than myself, I probably would have done the same.

Beyond being pissed off at the world, myself, my situation, and my husband, I’m just…sad.  I try to fill my time with things that keep my brain limber and also things that allow me to check out for a while, like binge-watching a TV series while knitting.  What happens when I’m too worn down to do these things?  When I sit and stare at a wall or a ceiling, trying to burn a hole through it with my eyes.



That’s when the real trouble begins.



17 thoughts on “Trouble

    • Ya know, I think he meant it as a compliment, but only he knows that for sure. He’s not quite right in the head. Another theory I’ve got is that he’s so relieved he survived surgery, he doesn’t want to waste his time. I’m a waste of time, right? I can’t be his hiking pal, his fuckbuddy, his personal chef, his therapist, or the mother of his offspring. A second chance squandered. That’s me.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah, I can see how it could be a compliment, but it’s still tacky. I’m not sure why we’re talking about MC. Is your life supposed to revolve around him and what he wants? There seems to be some unresolved issues between you two. Do you think he’s interested in talking about stuff?

        Liked by 1 person

        • My life revolves around ‘us’, then the rest is secondary. I can still do my own thing and don’t feel I’ve lost myself in the relationship (that hasn’t always been the case). Eh…I really enjoy my time away from him. The issue is that it’s too easy for it to become one-sided. And it has. He spent too much time with Harpy. To undo all of that, we’ll probably need counseling because it isn’t valid if it’s coming from me.

          Point being, love stinks. 😉

          Liked by 1 person

    • He’s trying to get his re-enlistment sorted before his med board. May is when his current enlistment is up. His case manager and the big boss have advised him that’s it’s highly unlikely that’s he retainable, given his lifetime activity restrictions. So, it’s looking like a yes. :/

      Liked by 1 person

  1. you know, if you weren’t here, in this world, as you are … there’d only be miserable trump / john key supporters left. you are everything that is right with the world … everything good, kind and bitching! i’m sorry your life sucks and on top of everything your heart has decided to kick you while your down … MC … meh, who??

    You know … maybe we could document our ‘collective’ wall staring; just to see who can pierce a hole through theirs first?!! 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Gah, binge watching anything on TV would make me suicidal. Audiobooks are a tired sick girl’s R&R. You can lie down, shut those eyes; exercise your mind, no book to hold

    Does MC have any civilian skills? Buyer for a bicycle store (eye roll emoji here) ?


    • Life almost isn’t worth living anymore since I finished Battlestar Galactica. 😉 There are some decent series, but I think I’ve watched them all. Audiobooks…there’s an idea. I wanted GoT as audio, but we already have the series on Kindle. When I read in bed, I drop the kindle on my face. Amazon brags how lightweight they are. Yes, until it smacks you in the mouth.


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