I need a code word to put in my post titles to indicate whether they’re safe for consumption, or if by the end, you’ll want to jump off of a tall building too.  Read at your own risk.

Dark times in this mind of mine.  Wicked dark.  It’s getting scary and yes, I’m afraid of myself.  Afraid of the thoughts that flood my head even when I’m singing along with the Beatles.  Distraction was my most powerful tool against depression, but it’s just not working anymore.

Step 1:  Yell “FUCK YOU!” at your husband for no reason other than he’s there.

Step 2:  Call him an asshole, then explain he’s not an asshole because of what he does.  He’s an asshole because of the things he doesn’t do.

Step 3:  Say, “I really need to di….shower.”

Step 4:  Sit on shower bench, cry until you can’t breathe.  Eventually turn the water on, wash the funk away.

Step 5:  So fresh, so clean, you’re finally able to control your tears and quivering face, so you do a mental exercise with you husband.

-Imagine you’ve only got one reason to live.

-Now imagine that one reason to live would be better off if you weren’t alive.

-Would you want this person to hate you so that you can feel it’s okay to die?

Step 6:  Tell him you’re tired and you can’t do it anymore.  You want to die.

Step 7:  Tell him if you do die, it isn’t his fault.  You weren’t designed for this world.

11 thoughts on “Unhinged

  1. I’m not a huggy person, but I swear I would just hug you so you could cry and until you felt safe and like you could breathe again.
    Would it make you smile if I told you I sent retired-chief to take the kid to see Lala Land again because my life has become Broadway musicals and I’m about to hide under my bed?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Saying I understand just doesn’t look like it makes sense… I have trouble jumping from step 5 to step 6. I suspect it’s the rugrats that get in the way (I guess that’s 3 little more ‘reasons’ tacked on). I have no advice or hopeful wisdom, I just can say you’re not alone in feeling like that.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. If distraction doesn’t work, you might have to try something drastic. Like shaving your head. Getting henna tattoos on your hands. Running for public office via the internet. Make a change. Learn something new. Change your view.

    I just came back from the duck pond, and I’m thinking, it must be nice to be a duck. No dark thoughts. No worries or fears. Just existence. Does that sound boring as hell to you? 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. My tablet crashed and ate my comment o giving a suggested item 2.5 on your lista. It always takes me a long time, to write, and will take more time to re-construct.

    Hang in there, dear Kara. I suggest you give MC “a good lettin’ alone” as a wise great aunt used to say.
    Love from your Seattle fan club

    And please write at least a little about your heart diagnosis

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m right there with you Kara in many aspects. I also need to come up with some kind of code word or signal to let people know when they should read on–or just turn away…

    On the other aspects, all I can say is keep writing. Keep reaching out–either for actual responses or even just rhetorically. I sense that you, like me, use this forum for your ultimate form of venting and releasing of pent-up emotions.

    I appreciate you and your writing. Just wanted to say…


    Liked by 1 person

  6. Too many pookers in the fire
    I’ve been feeling like that for a while
    Let the truth be told
    It’s sad when your all
    Alone fighting a war
    That you believe
    You’ll never win
    But for reasons
    That go unexplainable
    We keep fighting
    Cause that’s all we know
    But you get tired
    And there’s no one to cry to
    So you cry in the shower
    or to the screen
    Till it passes so you
    Can keep fighting
    Or until the chocolate
    Runs out
    Big hugs
    Prayers and blessings
    As Sheldon Always

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’ll always read on. If you need to write it, I’ll read it. I’ve been there. Quite recently. But I’m lucky I don’t have an MC – someone I’d have to hurt and alienate etc. I could do it though. Modern science has saved my life over and over. If I’d been born in the 1930’s, I’d be dead. So I currently just have to go with being alive until I enjoy something again. I’ve been listening to favourite songs over and over and eating cheese. It’s not much of a life, but it fits.


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