I’m back in the ICU, but that’s irrelevant. I probably won’t die. I’ll talk about it later, or go over what I’ve already written and post that. It’s all a bunch of boring shit. I’m pissed off and complaining about it makes me an asshole. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.
I’ve about had it with people. Twelve days of non-stop torture, throw in a couple of parents going to battle right in front of you, and a husband who can’t seem to get his head out of his ass, and this leaves me wishing I had a cave to hide in. Far away from all of the people and their bullshit.
I’ve felt the distance between me and MC growing. I don’t know what to do about it because I’m doing the best that I can and that’s all I can do. Now that he’s nearing the end of HIS recovery, his attitude isn’t exactly supportive of a long-term relationship. YOLO, bitches. Yuck. I hate that acronym. Remember, he is the most important person on the planet. This is how he was programmed.
Almost die, have heart surgery, let your wife do everything for you for four months until she almost fucking dies, then decide to go be with someone who’s 10 times more fucked up than the person you’re with (but she’s new! And she has kids! You want some of those!). Standard.
Yes, we’ve been in this exact spot before about five years ago. If I’m no longer a convenient person to have around because I’m sick and miserable, finding someone to fill in the gaps seems reasonable. Maybe not to me, but my opinion doesn’t matter. I’m programmed to believe that I’m unimportant, worthless, and stupid (thanks, Dad).
I’m not playing victim here. I’m acknowledging that this is my fault. The position I’m in is my fault – ignore yourself long enough when you’re a disease and see what happens. It’s also my fault that MC is looking outside of the marriage again. Not because I’m sick and not because I can’t be his second mommy, but because I didn’t walk out on him and not turn back the first time it happened.
If actions don’t have consequences, you really can get away with anything. My bad.