If I were a cake

It’s Valentine’s day…*gag*…oh, excuse me.  The best part about V-day is that it’s candy-centric.  We like candy!  Yes we do!  If that candy happens to be on sale because the ‘holiday’ has passed?  Well, slap your mama and call her Wilbur, because sale candy is the best candy.  It somehow tastes better when you saved 70% on the purchase price.

I’ve been a little extra under the weather.  Last week my lungs took a shit, so I spent six days on a ventilator and one of the the most difficult parts was not being able to speak (not to mention not being completely under for the duration).  All sorts of weird thoughts bounce through my head that demand discussion with another human being, but hammering out a discussion/debate via text or note takes all of the thrill out of it.  That obviously isn’t the worst part of being mute and having a tube jammed into your windpipe, but it ranks up there in the top 5.  I’m not here to talk about my medical trauma.  Rejoice!

I started seeing Valentine’s day shit on Pinterest and everywhere else beginning in January.  It’s a big deal.  Recipes, gift ideas, what to do if you’re single on V-day (oh, I dunno, thank your lucky stars you don’t have a significant assho..other to deal with), you name it.  The internet is oozing with red and pink.  People seem to have a peculiar fascination with red velvet cakes, red velvet cookies, red velvet edible whatevers.

No, you morons.  FUCK RED VELVET CAKE.  It either tastes like beets if it’s naturally colored, or like red food dye.  Yes, I can taste it.  It’s fucking nasty.

“But Kara, it’s chocolate!”

Damn it, no, you random imaginary antagonist twit.  It isn’t.  There’s maybe one tablespoon of cocoa in an entire cake and you can’t call that chocolate.  That’s like saying that my chili should be called chocolate chili because I put cocoa powder it in.  It’s still plain chili, but the cocoa adds more depth to the flavor of the dried chiles.

PSA: A red velvet cake IS NOT a chocolate cake.

The discussion I attempted to have with MC was this: if I were a cake, I wouldn’t be a red velvet cake, because red velvet is bullshit.  I’d be a yellow cake with chocolate buttercream frosting.  Everyone loves me.  I’m both vanilla and cocoa.  Take that, red #40 velvet bullshit.

“If you were an inanimate object, why would you choose to be something edible?”

I need a new sounding board.  He isn’t playing this game right.

Talking about food when I can’t actually eat food is proof that I’m a masochist.

Daaaaang, girl.  You lookin’ tasty!

Happy Valentine’s day, you saps. 😍😘

10 thoughts on “If I were a cake

  1. Post read πŸ˜‰

    a. Im with you with the red velvet thing … leave red velvet to creepy curtains and hippy dresses … Not, cake.
    b. chocolate buttercream icing, hell yes! On banana cake for me … I don’t care if Im liked or not, as long as it tastes good πŸ˜‰
    c. ventilator ay … ok. thats a reasonable reason for not being around πŸ˜‰
    d. VDay … I’m with yah on the discount chocolates!

    I am very happy you’re Ok xo

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’ve been away a while because I’m on a drug that makes me stupid.
    Dang, a ventilator. That sucks Kara.
    Talking about food, maybe you are feeling better. Okay, wishful thinking.
    Yes, you can taste red food coloring!!!
    I’d eat you. Yum!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m very familiar with those drugs. πŸ˜‰ I suspect my preoccupation with food has a little something to do with stress dosing of my steroids. Yay for that! I’m delighted you think I’m delicious, Wendy. πŸ˜‚

      Liked by 1 person

      • I was thinking though. I think I’d be the opposite of you. I’d be a rich chocolate cake with vanilla frosting.
        Now I want cup cakes. Drat.
        Steroids. .. yuck. More drug side effects, we need that.
        Let us eat cake!!

        Liked by 1 person

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