I envy men and their ability to not think about anything at all. Just sit and stare at a wall with a brain completely devoid of anything besides tits and bacon, which are likely bouncing or sizzling in there somewhere. I want this (minus the tits and bacon).
The future is very much uncertain, as it tends to be for the majority of human-types. We can set goals and make plans, then adapt as necessary. This usually works, unless your life turns into one giant fucking dumpster fire. The only thing left is to decide what to do after you survive the next ten minutes.
Four weeks of living ten minutes at a time. I shouldn’t be bothered with things as trivial as what’s going to happen next year. What can I say, I’m easily affected.
First, I’m considering separating from MC because being with someone who inadvertently reminds me that I’m not good enough for him on a regular basis hurts. What if we’re both going through a phase that has nothing to do with our opinion of the other person? What if this is just another in a series of obstacles we have to crash into, then eventually crawl over? Despite all of his very unfavorable attributes, he’s still the person I chose to marry and, against all odds, love.
If I stay, well, shame on me. But, if I do, the scene doesn’t look much better than if I were to fuck off and fend for myself. He has his own decisions to make about his life, because for some reason, he still doesn’t see it as “us”. That the choices he makes have an impact on me as well. His separation date is rapidly approaching. He can reenlist if he wants and there’s a good likelihood they’d retain him for the four years even after his medical review. This would allow us to pay down debt and give us plenty of time to get organized for the life after this one. He doesn’t want any of that. He’s done. He thinks he’s prepared to live in poverty. He has no idea what that means. He has never had to choose between food or antibiotics. He hasn’t lived in his car for a month. Given that we’re both varying levels of sick, that’s not a good scenario to be in.
Oh, that’s right. He’ll be 100% covered through the VA. Kara can figure something else out, which brings me back to my first point.
The truly mind-scrambling part is what I’d do in the event that I were no longer with him. If I were even sort of healthy, the world would be my nasty bottom feeding mollusk. I’d couch surf until the day I die. Living alone even sounds wonderful. None of what I want to do can happen. Not if I make my own safety a requirement. The only thing I can see happening is becoming someone else’s problem because “she shouldn’t be left alone.”
It’s only natural to think ahead, but sometimes I wish I had a damn off switch.