The off switch

I envy men and their ability to not think about anything at all.  Just sit and stare at a wall with a brain completely devoid of anything besides tits and bacon, which are likely bouncing or sizzling in there somewhere.  I want this (minus the tits and bacon).

The future is very much uncertain, as it tends to be for the majority of human-types.  We can set goals and make plans, then adapt as necessary.  This usually works, unless your life turns into one giant fucking dumpster fire.  The only thing left is to decide what to do after you survive the next ten minutes.

Four weeks of living ten minutes at a time.  I shouldn’t be bothered with things as trivial as what’s going to happen next year.  What can I say, I’m easily affected.  

First, I’m considering separating from MC because being with someone who inadvertently reminds me that I’m not good enough for him on a regular basis hurts.  What if we’re both going through a phase that has nothing to do with our opinion of the other person?  What if this is just another in a series of obstacles we have to crash into, then eventually crawl over?  Despite all of his very unfavorable attributes, he’s still the person I chose to marry and, against all odds, love.

If I stay, well, shame on me.  But, if I do, the scene doesn’t look much better than if I were to fuck off and fend for myself.  He has his own decisions to make about his life, because for some reason, he still doesn’t see it as “us”.  That the choices he makes have an impact on me as well.  His separation date is rapidly approaching.  He can reenlist if he wants and there’s a good likelihood they’d retain him for the four years even after his medical review.  This would allow us to pay down debt and give us plenty of time to get organized for the life after this one.  He doesn’t want any of that.  He’s done.  He thinks he’s prepared to live in poverty.  He has no idea what that means.  He has never had to choose between food or antibiotics.  He hasn’t lived in his car for a month.  Given that we’re both varying levels of sick, that’s not a good scenario to be in.

Oh, that’s right.  He’ll be 100% covered through the VA.  Kara can figure something else out, which brings me back to my first point.

The truly mind-scrambling part is what I’d do in the event that I were no longer with him.  If I were even sort of healthy, the world would be my nasty bottom feeding mollusk.  I’d couch surf until the day I die.  Living alone even sounds wonderful.  None of what I want to do can happen.  Not if I make my own safety a requirement.  The only thing I can see happening is becoming someone else’s problem because “she shouldn’t be left alone.”
It’s only natural to think ahead, but sometimes I wish I had a damn off switch.

12 thoughts on “The off switch

  1. I’ve just binge read a few posts and I am disgusted that MC isn’t doing everything in his power to look after you. You did for him but what is his contribution now?

    I understand why you are questioning if your future is together. But I realise the heart wants what the heart wants so the turmoil is painful and complicated.

    I used to believe in karma, and I still hope it kicks in sometimes. It needs to kick for you because it owes you good times and happiness.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. If you happen upon where the magical off switch is, could you let me know? I know personally I always struggle between wanting to know everything I can about the future so I can somehow feel a sense that I have control over it (I know…futile) and wanting to just give up and ‘not care’ and go with it (but it’s not in my nature). Focusing on the now and the getting well enough to not be stuck in a hospital seems like the sensible thing to do, but man, with all the possible turmoil ahead it makes sense for you to be concerned with what lays ahead. What you CAN do is send that dumbass MC for a trip up north… this pissed off Canadian Mama needs a new punching bag…. what a jerk.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. This saddens me, but boy do I undrstand. Do what is right for you.
    I feel like I could never leave my husband if I wanted to because I have no where to go. No where.
    Losing our independence is so hard.
    My heart goes out to you.
    My hubby will be very mad about MC. He knows your story, yeah I talk about you. I worry about you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Me too, chickadee. (The off switch thing).
    I’m an a serious overthinker. You have to take care of you. The rest will figure itself out. I sent a little nuts in ’07 and moved to Michigan before I jumped off the local bridge. I’m sorry I hurt people, and I’m sorry for dragging them along on my insanity, but I’m not sorry for the experiences.
    We already know life is too short, you have to do what you can (or need to) when you can.
    *huggles* and you’re not alone!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. ❤ I guess you gotta do what you gotta do …
    I'd be inclined to grab him by the you know whats and say … 'look here fucker, I looked after you, which is half the reason I'm distilling in this bed right now … by fuck, you can look after me … get your act together and grow some balls!' 😉 And then if you should seperate later … all good 🙂
    Please do take care of you first though … whatever that may look like xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I hope you are doing better Kara
    I know how hard it is when you
    Want to take off and you
    Can’t, being still for too
    Long sucks,they keep pulling the rug from
    Under me,stay close Kara
    Will get through it together


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