Merrrrrrrrrp.  That’s me yanking on the e-brake.  I will not socialize with normals unless I’m subjected to arm-twisting or tickle torture.  On the flip-side, I hesitate talking to my fellow wonkies because they’ve got enough to deal with and I can’t​ seem to climb my way out of this black hole I’m stuck in.

I’m a disaster and as such, I’m avoiding talking to people.  Conversations turn dark so quickly that the nooses are all tied up and ready before me or my victims have any idea of what’s happening.

I talked to an old friend the other day and it was all very pleasant until he started digging.  I attempted to deflect, redirect, or straight up tell him he didn’t want to know what I’ve been doing lately.  

“Come on, Farty!  Talk to me!”

So I did.  I explained that MC just about died and after I carried him through recovery, I nearly died.  I explained how my digestive system is completely trashed and that I’m listed for a double organ transplant.  I told him about my neurological problems and the freedoms I’ve lost thanks to all of the above.  I told him I’d rather hear about his life because I’m not exactly a bundle of fun.

How does a person respond to that?  It’s the verbal equivalent to being donkey punched.  I assume it’ll be another few years before I hear from him again, providing I’m still around.  

I’ve been treading water with weights tied to my legs while carrying on like everything is fine.  I would love to be able to talk to these people, the friends who got me through some pretty tough early life shit and helped me become the person I am today, but it doesn’t work that way.  I’ve crossed a threshold that they can’t, nor would I want them to.

To me, they’re a memory.  I wager the view is the same on their side.

24 thoughts on “Memory

  1. Ever listen to Lana Del Ray? Or Halsey? I love Beck, and I like both those girls, too, so I thought you might like em 😘 Also, a true friend will help carry your burdens. If what you’re facing scares them away, they’re not worthy of your precious time and energy so fuck em. Also, I’m quite dark myself – don’t you dare think you can scare me off. Call, text, whatever. I’ll listen. I can take it. Straight, no chaser 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I couldn’t tie a noose if my life, or yours, depended on it … so dump away πŸ˜‰ … and I’m sure he’ll be back … who could resist such witty charm and a bundle full of truth πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Double organ? Kidneys and……liver?

    I agree with those guys up there, you can scare me off. I get it. I made my mom cry the other day. I didn’t mean to. I’m an asshole. I was explaining my tumor and the likelihood that I won’t see 10 years more. So climb on in, I’ve got my own dark hole. I’ll share! πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

    • Double boob transplant, mine are full of rocks when they should be full of bullets. πŸ˜‰

      Heart and kidney, actually. My ejection fraction is slowly creeping up and when it comes time for a review, my status might change to less urgent. It was initially 1A, now it’s 1B. I kind of like my heart so I hope I get to keep it. Kidneys on the other hand…lazy bastards.

      There’s nothing wrong with being honest, ya know. Some people can’t handle the reality we live in. When you get it, you get it. People who don’t ‘get it’ never will. That’s a good thing for them, at least!


      • Hey if there’s a boob line, I want in! I haven’t worn a bra in 10 years! Eh….at least I save money right?
        I’m actually glad to hear your status dropped to 1B. I understand those words.
        Agreed. There are certain things that if you don’t “get it” it’s okay, because you shouldn’t. I have an upcoming blog (inspired by my playlist on my drive up to BWI last night) that touches on that.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I feel the same about most normals. I have a couple who have always been there, but they live a ways away, I wonder if that would last if we were geographically closer.
    You are going through hell. You can always unload to me. I haven’t been where you are, but struggling with chronic illness often makes you more compassionate.
    Plus, I just like you.
    Please email me any time.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you so much for this! I can relate to almost everything you’ve written. You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I now get a lump in my throat when I know I might have to leave the house. My one friend is sick of hearing the same crap and my family doesn’t understand why I’m not better. But we’re all supposed to have sympathy for my twin sister who has Fibromyalgia and Celiac Disease. She’s married, has 2 beautiful well behaved children, her own home, and doesn’t work. She has absolutely no patience when it comes to me. My Chronic Kidney Disease which has progressed “isn’t that bad”, the doctors not being able to figure out why my only working kidney is continuously enlarged “is nothing”. The fact that no medications are working at all is “You’re not trying, you don’t want to get better”. I also have Celiac and somehow my Gallbladder has disappeared but someone diagnosed me with Crohn’s! The eye Doctor was extremely concerned about the pressure behind my eyes because she did 3 different tests and it isn’t Glaucoma. She told me I needed to see my Primary Care Doc ASAP. I do and she says a mammogram is more important than my head potentially exploding I was not in the greatest of moods and may have had a moment of anger that I don’t really remember. So I’m not talking to anyone. I only talk to non normals on here because in person Uh No! I’ve been forced to attend enough Group Therapy where the people would’ve scared the most seasoned of patients or doctors. I didn’t appreciate the one where the guy had a Genie type knife and was swinging it at the nearest person. I happened to be close to him when the police swarmed in and surrounded us with their guns drawn. So not fun. Sorry for rambling. Crap, now I’m crying. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Geez D, most doctors don’t have a clue. I’m sorry they’re being assholes. I’ve gone through the same thing and even though I know I’m doing everything I can (most of the time), hearing someone else say I’m not trying hard enough is a blow. I really hope that they start taking better care of you and treat you like the wonderful human you are!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I understand this perspective with a lot of people I ‘run into’. Whether they already know I’m erm… sick or not yet doesn’t really matter, either way just fluttering around small talk is the only way to go. Even that is awkward and usually makes them feel like I’m trying to shut them out (even if after asking them every question in the book about their life). I let people in and they get all weird and tense and never to be heard from again… and I don’t even have it THAT bad. Someone needs to go out and write a best selling self help book to teach regular joes how to speak to and treat their ill friends… It would give me something to gift at Christmas πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

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